SingleDiva

Protect Your Daughters (Nieces, Granddaughters, etc.)

2011-10-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

I thought I was done with this blog. BUT, then something like this comes along. Sadly, I refer to the Amber Cole situation. I will certainly not provide a twitter link or any direct links; I will, however, direct you to 'What About Our Daughters' (www.whataboutourdaughters.com) so you can read the October 19th post regarding young Ms. Cole.

The fact that someone (man or woman) recorded this fourteen year-old AND posted said video on twitter is a sin and a shame and a CRIME!!! The GIRL is fourteen!!!! Anyone who views this video and anyone who retweets the hashtag is trafficking in CHILD PORNOGRAPHY!!!

What is wrong with those of you who watched this trash and rather than report this to law enforcement or child protective services decided to retweet this filth!!

Really?! Really?

Is this who you want to be?

Don't even start with her being 'willing' or 'giving consent'!!! She is FOURTEEN!

How are you present when this 'ish' happens?

There is no defense for recording this child.

There is no defense for posting the video.

None. Fullstop.

Attempting to do so is perverse.

This is NOT funny!

This is NOT entertaining!

THIS IS DEPRAVED!

You cannot care about women and retweet this malicious attack on a fourteen year old.

YOU CANNOT JUSTIFY THE UNJUSTIFIABLE.

...With Malice Toward Black Women

2011-05-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

A popular trope on the Internetz is how paranoid black women are when it comes to how we are perceived by the larger society. Black women are often told WE are the ones suffering from the delusion of being attacked by the media; WE suffer from the delusion anyone pays attention to us, other than the stalwart black men who love us of course (duh!); and WE are the ones who see enemies where none exist.

The stereotype of black women being angry, jealous, incompetent, and hard to get along with are served up weekly on 'The Apprentice' (from what I've read, I do not watch the show). The straight up hot mess that is the 'Real Housewives' franchise - again I have not watched any of the shows but the media saturation is so pervasive with this type of show, one would have to abstain from all forms of media (internet, TV, smart phone, computers, newspapers, magazines, etc) to escape having a nodding acquaintance with this kind of 'entertainment'- black women are constantly shown in a negative, lowest-common-denominator light. Don't even get me started on the music videos and rap music and ghetto culture!

Psychology Today vs. Black Women

Media matters! How black women are portrayed in the media matters! I was already disgusted by the NPR and AP coverage of the floods in Mississippi which seem to include the most poverty stricken women whose pictures and on-air interviews are cringe worthy; then there was the reaction by some to the mEssence cover featuring Wendy Williams; and then this absolute junk science foolishness by this so-called 'evolutionary scientist'! This man uses supposedly 'objective' survey of British adolescents to declare black women are less attractive than everyone else on the planet. And the Psychology Today publishes this tripe online! Their excuse for publishing the author's article is they don't exercise editorial review with their online articles and since they didn’t pay for the article, it should not assume the article reflects the opinion of PT; even though it appeared (briefly) on their website.

Apparently since the man publishes online articles with PT on a regular basis, they allow him to publish his opinion without reading the article prior to publication. It's not like this person hasn't published controversial articles in the past, he has; yet PT has decided exercising editorial discretion when it comes to junk science claims put forth by their authors is perfectly acceptable standard operating procedure. There was enough blowback early enough on Monday for PT to tweak the title of the article before finally removing the article (there was so much traffic the site crashed) without comment. Of course you can find screenshots of the article if you look.

I used to think PT was reputable publication online and hardcopy, however, their recent covers resemble nothing as much as a glossy fashion magazine! For me PT now carries as much intellectual weight as TMZ or Bossip.

Oh Great and Powerful Oz…err DSK

The media storm surrounding the alleged assault in New York by the former director of the IMF will be instructional. In the media capital of the US (if not the world), a perfect storm of media frenzy is taking shape. A rich, powerful, white guy who is/was a leading contender to be the next president of France is accused of sexually assaulting a poor, immigrant, black woman who worked as a ‘chamber maid’.

The French media has already published her name and the names of her family members. The US media has already visited the apartment building where she lived in Brooklyn and spoken to neighbors to get background on her. REALLY, they went to where the woman lived?!?! I say lived, because her lawyer has said it was necessary to move the woman and her child from the building because of the stalker-razzi (press).

So now her neighbors know she was assaulted. Privacy, Privacy, wherefore art thou, Privacy??

The rich guy has his defenders; they question why in the world would a man like Strauss-Kahn; who, at least in theory, can have his pick of women for consensual relations; force his attentions on an unwilling BLACK woman? Never mind rape is not about sex. Never mind rape is about power. Implicit in the statement is why would a man of power and influence even take notice of a poor black ‘chamber maid’? I guess this person is wholly unfamiliar with the history of sexualized violence against black women specifically, in this country and women in general around the world.

Media Tricks and Obfuscations

The negative framing of the complainant has already begun. The media tells us she is a single mother (reports are her husband died); they have discovered she is {gasp!} a Muslim; they want to know why she went to his room alone (blaming – how original); they are speculating she is part of an international conspiracy to ruin Strauss-Kahn and dash his plans of becoming the next president of France.

What are her motivations they wonder?

What are her motivations? I’d say a desire for justice.

I expect the media will be as salacious and crude as they can. I will not be surprised to see them turn up the titillation factor to get people to click on their websites or buy their newspapers and magazines.

The question is can the one woman withstand the media firestorm? Media does not care about a routine story of a man allegedly assaulting a woman. Crimes like this happen every day; a fact the media finds largely unremarkable. This case, however, has it all; money, power, class, race, immigration, international monetary policy, presidential aspirations, and at least in the short term, the opportunity to pit one system of so-called journalism against another (US vs. France).

Can you see a movie coming out of this, or at least a two-part episode on Law and Order SVU? {sigh}

What the coverage will obscure is the right of this one black woman to her bodily integrity. What will be glossed over is the idea the larger society has that yet another black woman is falsely accusing a white man of rape (Duke, Brawley, etc.).

The subtext of debates about what happened is the belief (1) no one would bother to rape a black woman and (2) black woman cannot BE raped.

Who will protect and defend black women? What institutions and media concerns gather to protect our collective backs? Pay attention because many fake allies and false friends may just show their true intent either by what the say or by their conspicuous silence.

Peace

iRant: All the Single Ladies

2011-04-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else tired of looking for a relationship or is it just me?

I am weary of being told I'm doing something wrong if I'm not married by now despite all the advice and Internet, speed dating, online matchmaking options. Single black women are told to lose weight (were I to lose 10 pounds I'd look like a crackhead); change our attitude (I have a happy, friendly disposition most of the time); and to grow up and stop being so superficial (as in: stop looking for Adonis with a huge bank account and a PhD (wait…who's been reading my perfect husband list :-D )!!!

Granted, some of us need to hear these admonishments because some of us are tragically superficial when it comes to the opposite sex. On the same hand; black women also get slammed for not having standards (ex-cons, criminals, the permanently unemployed, players, baby daddies, pimps, and various other losers).

What is a single woman to do after she has retrained her brain to screen out low/no value guys (regardless of race), whittled her figure down to a single digit dress size, is childfree, travelled the Internet dating route and yet is still single? No she's not looking for guys in the club or the strip bar; yes, she has changed her social circle (hanging out with married women may not prove helpful), has expanded her mind, has changed her wardrobe (do not fear color!) but, she remains persistently single.

According to some of the blogs she has done something wrong. Perhaps she needs to move to another state where inter-racial dating is more commonplace. Perhaps she needs to get out there more (wherever out there is). Perhaps she needs a better plan of action or she needs to be more realistic about what type of man she can reasonably attract with her looks, age, weight issues.

I've seen a lot of people online professing to be dating coaches, who will guarantee success...after you pay them a couple hundred dollars. I've already given eharmony and match as much money as I'm going to at this point and I'm not about to give some person I've never met more of my hard-earned money. Bloggers and online dating business people suggest single people consider the money paid for their ‘service’ as an investment in future happiness? Future happiness? Whatever! What about present happiness? How about being happy right now! How about purchasing a small house on/near the beach in Costa Rica! Now there’s a better investment to my mind.

This is my independence day. I am done with the husband hunt. If you want to think of me as a failure, that's your prerogative. If you envision me as a lonely bitter woman who will die alone and become food for cats (actually read this on an BW-IR marriage blog recently) again your prerogative, though what distinguishes you from the damaged men who cheerfully predict a similar fate for women who refuse to lower/remove their standards and 'help a brother out' is not clear.

Making this declaration feels good! It feels like the resistance I have been experiencing is gone. It feels like a weight has been lifted. I am free to wholeheartedly pursue other goals I've set for myself such as creating an intentional community of friends and researching retirement communities which provide safety, intellectual stimulation, physical fitness, and opportunities to socialize with a diverse group of people. It means I am deliberate about my present and my future. It means I will not allow the fact I am not married to stop my progress, nor will I allow myself to be relegated to a lesser status by married women.

Empowerment blogs must also include women who are single by choice; single through no fault of their own; and single despite their best efforts. I don’t think perpetuating the class system of womanhood where married women are on top and single women are at the bottom is healthy or emancipating. If you are married, congratulations! Be aware, the thinly veiled contempt/disdain leaking through some blog posts and comments in regard to your fellow women who are single is not attractive, helpful, or empowering.

There is more to being a woman than marital status. Yes, I've wanted to be married; no, I am not currently married. No, I am not wasting anymore time wailing and gnashing my teeth either. I have a fabulous life! I am fortunate! I am living my life as a whole human being, a first class person not second class or third class. Feel sorry for me if you want. Feel superior to me if you need to, but personally, I don't care. I’m busy living my life.

Peace

Voices Carry: Ashley Judd

2011-04-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Ashley Judd is not wrong. She may not be the person black folks want to hear from on what is considered an ‘in house’ problem, but her observations are not false.

Far too much rap/hip hop music is misogynistic, violent, degrading and glorifies base/deviant behavior. Far too many videos depict black women as ‘things’. Things exposing their butts. Things gyrating on a bed. Things dancing on a pole. Things flashing their boobs. Things on their arms. Things in their cars. An interchangeable set of parts offered to the rappers because the have money to pay for it.

Black women as perpetual prostitutes; prostitutes get no love or respect or protection.

Are You Complicit?

Rappers and their apologists (male and female) defend the videos, insisting the women want to be in the videos. The women don’t have a problem being treated like this and if they do they shouldn’t be in the video. It’s the fault of the women, because they allow themselves to be treated like ‘property’. If black women wouldn’t let black men treat them this way, then there wouldn’t be a problem.

Historically, black women have been considered sexually promiscuous, licentious and immoral. Prior to the 1960’s the larger society did not believe black women could be raped! The specific history of bw in this country MUST NOT be ignored. The attitudes and actions of black women today are played out against the brutal history of sexual violence and terrorism of yesterday. It is this history of violence and deliberate mischaracterization of black women that color how black women are perceived by everyone who is not a black woman.

Clearly the fact that a man is black means nothing in light of how they characterize individual bw or masses of bw. The numbers of black men who care about the black experience of black women appear vanishingly small. Far too many black men seem happy to objectify, degrade and dehumanize black women for fun and profit, completely disregarding how treating black women like property in their videos helps to further the perception of black women as ‘thing’. Reduced to being merely a commodity, one bw (thing) can be easily discarded for another. Once the ‘thing’ loses its value, it does not matter what happens to the ‘thing’.

In these videos and in this culture, black women become replaceable and unimportant because there is always another ‘thing’ somewhere.

‘You remind of me of my Jeep….’ Indeed.

Are You Responsible?

Apologists (male and female) tell women it is their responsibility to fix the situation. When bw (black women) demand black men respect them and treat them better; when bw stop accepting thugs and ex-cons as suitable dating partners; when bw teach their sons to respect bw; when bw create a source of carbon neutral, sustainable, low coast energy……. Well, maybe not the last one. Maybe.

Notice how all the work falls to bw. Notice how bw have to fix themselves and black men. Notice how the problem is framed as black women!

Are You Strong Enough?

It is not the job of black women to fix black men or the black community. It is the responsibility of every black woman who has broken out of the matrix to remove herself from the deviance running rampant in many black communities.

First, shift your perceptions.

Second, lay the plans to shift yourself right out of the toxic environment.

Third, make that move!

No it’s not that easy! There are baby steps along the way.

Start small: make a budget and stick to it; save every extra penny you can; research safer places to live (with better school districts if you have children); keep your mouth shut about your plans!!! Saboteurs, haters and the indoctrinated will try to dissuade or straight-up destroy your plans.

Are you strong enough to take action?

Remember, Ashley isn’t wrong…….

Peace

The Forever War in Your Town

2011-04-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

There is a de facto war against women in this country. African American women are the primary target in many cases and unacknowledged collateral damage in the others.

Cleveland, TX and Moreno Valley, CA in 2011.

Trenton, NJ in 2010.

Milwaukee, WI and West Palm Beach, FL in 2007.

Shall I mention the countless number of domestic violence situations occurring daily or the countless number of assaults perpetrated on women on a daily basis or the countless number of rapes not reported or the staggering amount of street harassment women and girls endure.

Most of the victims in the above mentioned cases are under 12 years old.

I’ll say it again. Four (4) out to the five (5) female victims in the above mentioned cases are younger than twelve (12) years old!!

I bring this to your attention because it is foolish in the extreme not to understand the Congo-fication of our neighborhoods, especially all-black neighborhoods.

Excuses, Excuses

They go something like this:

Black men suffer post-traumatic distress due to the history of slavery in this county.

Black men suffered through one hundred years of Jim Crow where he was oppressed, dehumanized and lynched.

Given the history of this country, it is too early to expect black men to be the moral equals of white men because to the centuries of indoctrination and programming to believe they are something less than human.

Etc, etc, etc.

In the late 1800’s and early 1900’s black people managed to lift themselves from the hell of chattel slavery to owning business, building towns and schools and colleges and infrastructure to sustain a community against all odds; against the active enmity of white people; amidst poverty and lack of education and while being subjected to the state-sponsored terrorism of white citizens organizations.

It appears despite the Underground Railroad, nascent organized resistance among black people and a national civil rights movement later; some segments of the black population seem be taking a step or three backward?

A Considered (Sane) Reaction

The reaction by some of the adults to the horrific events in Cleveland, Texas must serve as a call to action. These people appear to blame the victim for being somewhere she should not have been late at night. Never mind their non-adult children were not at home either and they were allegedly engaged in criminal activity!!!

If you missed it, these people; mostly women (at least initially); were portrayed as something significantly less than human in the media. The media constantly asked what kind of person would blame this poor child???? Even NYT defended the reporter of its infamous article declaring it wasn’t the reporter blaming the victim, it was the community blaming the victim; the reporter was, supposedly, just reporting the news.

The undercurrent, the subtext of this reportage is the less than reasoned, less than human reaction of the townsfolk. The townsfolk were shown as mostly African American women.

AfAm women + blaming the victim = AfAm women are not normal.

Normal people are horrified by this attack. Normal people cannot feature any kind of defense for this behavior.

Classic African American women as Other trope.

Denial is Not An Option

African American women must pay attention to the subtext of these media reports!

I suggest AfAm women bypass the microphones and ignore the calls from reporters until they know what the situation is. I’m not saying AfAm women should not advocate for their family members or be watchful of the police investigation; but the reflexive reaction to weep, wail, gnash teeth and assume an injustice has been perpetrated against Pookie, Junebug, ‘nem' is not helpful for the overall image of African American women nor reasonable in light of the subsequent investigation.

Denying the evident deterioration in various neighborhoods is neither a productive nor sane response to the terrorism women face. Ghetto-fabulous, ghetto-rich, ghetto-whatever is not a culture that is safe for women and girls. Getting out of these toxic environments is paramount.

We are now in a forever war. On one side there are those who desire safe neighborhoods and schools and who believe in education and disciplined work are a road to a better life. On the other side are those who want what you have, are jealous because you have it and are willing to work for what they want. Instead, they will engage in criminal activity to get the things you have worked hard to attain.

Word to the wise: As resources diminish, the pitched battles will only get worse.

Peace

A Women’s History Moment

2011-03-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

The current fight against the demeaning, hyper-sexual images of black women’s bodies; the negative, stereo-typical depiction of black women as bitter, evil and angry; the belief black women are extra-human with their strong, fat, black selves; the trope/meme that black women do not require – indeed do not recognize/understand/possess and deeper, vulnerable, fragile emotional self is a part of our continuing journey to full personhood/humanity.

From ‘things’ to be owned, sold, traded, assaulted and killed to ungrateful, materialistic, de-feminized ‘other’ black women have consistently had to work to wrest control of her self, her ‘bodily integrity’, her psychological being from those who benefit from degrading and de-humanizing her.

‘At the Dark End of the Street' (atthedarkendofthestreet.com/the-book/) by Danielle McGuire takes a look at the history of violence against black women and the institutions designed to distort, suppress and deny the violence directed at black women. In examining the permissive atmosphere of violence against black women in the early part of the last century, the book details how black women were denied the inherent protections of femininity. Viewed as ‘other’ or not feminine or not human, violence against was widely regarded as the woman’s fault.

The book details the courageous steps black women took to speak out about the crimes committed against them. As well as the organization of women to document and bring awareness to the on-going campaign of terror black women endured during the years prior to what is now called the civil rights era.

‘At the Dark End of the Street’ documents how black women were not ‘led’ by black men in the early days of the civil rights movement, but were equal partners in the movement and in some cases de facto leaders. The book also observes how history subsequently pushed these black women; bravely protesting against the terrorism and sexualized brutality of Jim Crow America – the spark helping to ignite the nascent civil rights movement; into the background of one of the most important chapters in American history and the history of the civil rights movement.

The ‘hook’ if you will, is Rosa Parks. Far from the media generated image of the humble, God-fearing black women too tired to give up her seat to some white man on a public bus in Alabama, Mrs. Parks was a field secretary for the NAACP and was also one of the top field investigators who worked tirelessly for justice for black women victims of sexual violence. Mrs. Parks may have been the perfect symbol of virtuous, middle-class black femininity used by the NAACP to press their cause in the media, but Mrs. Parks was also radical in her pursuit of justice for the victims of sexualized racial violence during the 1940s and 1950s. The book turns the spotlight on such women as Mrs. JoAnn Robinson, the organizer of what became the Montgomery Bus Boycott and tells the story of Mrs. Recy Taylor, a woman, who despite all the threats against her and her family; told the truth about the heinous crime perpetrated against her and helped shape the world we live in today.

This book is like looking in a rearview mirror. We see where we have come from and we use this information to navigate our way further down the road.

Black women have history too. Happy Women’s History Month!!!

Peace

Re-Train Your Brain – Scientists

2011-03-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Photo: billnye.com

Scientists.

Scientists?

Yes! Scientists!

Scientists are ignored by black women in the main. They are a resource we cannot allow to remain untapped. I know what you are thinking…. scientists are nerds. Well, some scientists can be considered nerds in the traditional sense. However, some are considered nerds due to vocation (physicist, astronomer, computer programmer, microbiologist, mathematician, etc.), not because they are unattractive or ineffective. As a matter of fact, scientists (generally speaking) are effective. Scientists are smart! They produce, deduce, create things!!

Case in point: Bill Nye - Engineer

Bill Nye (who at last check was single) was the host of his own television show, Bill Nye: The Science Guy, which made its debut in 1993. Original episodes ran from 1993 to 1998. The show tackled new scientific topics during each show and was geared to educate pre-teen (and some older person if you watched the show) about the wonderful world of science – yes, I watched the show.

Since that time Nye has appeared of various shows including Living with Ed on Planet Green and has had his own Planet Green series; Stuff Happens. Smart, funny (he was a stand-up comedian), and ecologically conscious; Nye has a Bachelor Degree in Mechanical Engineering and three Honorary Doctorate degrees.

What qualities might attract you to a man like this you ask?

Consider the following:

Intelligent

Humorous

Inventive (holds two patents)

Eco-conscious (watch Living with Ed)

He’s fit (rides his bike to work)

He loves his parents (stable family)

Loves his work

Clearly since I don’t know the man, I don’t know anything truly personal about him (only what’s on his website). However, he is exactly the type of guy we need to start considering as date material. He may not be Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper or any other Brad, but do you really want a guy like Brad who changes women regularly or do you want a good man other women may not consider because they are so busy chasing Brad.

Think about. Retrain your brain.

Peace

Re-Train Your Brain – The Series

2011-02-28T20:02:00.000-08:00

What do you find attractive in a man?

Does he have to be six feet or taller? Does he have to have a full head of hair? Does he have to make six figures? Does he have to drive a flashy car? Does he have to be the envy of men and women alike?

Does he have to look like a movie star or professional athlete or, heaven forbid, a rapper?

Have you ever stopped to examine why you think this is the kind of man you need?

Have you ever looked beyond the handsome, well-dressed exterior?

Is what a man looks like more important to you than the kind of man he is?

I’m going to be blunt here, so fair warning……

If you are still chasing the bad boy -- you need to grow up.

Bad boys, thugs, the formerly incarcerated, baby daddies, player, pimps are all persona non grata!

If this is the typical guy you look for be he white, black, Puerto Rican; then perhaps it’s time to look for something else.

Perhaps instead of looking for what every other women is looking for, we might start looking for and taking an interest in men who do not conform to the mass media is selling us as the ideal male.

It is important to work against this brainwashing. Over the next few months I will publish blog posts concerning our idea of what constitutes attractive and/or desirable with regard to men.

I’m calling the series ‘Re-Train Your Brain.’

The purpose of the series is to get us to notice/consider men to whom we wouldn’t normally pay attention. Not because they are persona non grata (see listing above) but because we accept without reflection popular culture’s definition of a desirable man.

Join me on the journey to discover men we wouldn’t normally consider as mate material! Your input is welcome! Your questions and comments expected!

Peace

The Race Woman…..Defined???

2011-01-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

It is expected for black women to carry the burden of her race. Whether it’s sustaining the black family or knitting together the fabric of the black community or supporting the poor, downtrodden, oppressed black man. Yes, indeed, a Race Woman!

A Race Woman (in today’s definition):

keeps the African-American family together during its darkest days;

believes in social integration but NOT assimilation into racial oblivion;

sees clearly through the smokes and mirrors of white supremacy, and calls it out;

knows what it is to be loved by a Black man because she was (hopefully) loved by her father;

whose mother (hopefully) knew how to raise sons and daughters to be Men & Women;

who puts her race first (out of necessity) in a world in which our race is put last;

whose ‘race memory’ will never allow our sworn enemies to come between her and her man.

I did not make this up myself. I merely paraphrased sentiments I read recently in the blogosphere.

I’m curious. While black women are busy holding the family/community together and calling out white supremacy and putting the race first, what are black men doing?

Are they:

praising, uplifting and defending black womanhood;

protecting black womenfolk, related or not, from the disrespect of the larger society;

creating content (movies, music, etc.) glorifying/acknowledging the beauty of black women;

proclaiming love for the diversity of black womanhood holding all skin shades equally beautiful;

committing to black women in marriage/long term relationships;

committing to raising their children in a two-parent household;

holding the behavior of their player/pimp brethren as unacceptable.

How about it ‘Race Man’? How’s your ‘race memory’? How about you guys step to the plate and represent?

And if you don’t feel like it’s your responsibility to step up and provide/protect black women, then don’t hate on black women when they decide to look elsewhere for love, respect, protection; you know, the things women are supposed to look for in a man!!

Ladies, don’t fall for the ‘Race Woman okey-doke' some guys will throw at you to keep you in your place! A place they define for you.

Most men/black men put their manhood first. Don’t ever forget it! Don’t listen to what they say, watch what they do.

It’s 2011! You are a woman first, last and always. Do what is in your best interest. If it means expanding your dating boundaries, social circles, vacation destinations then so be it! If you are not satisfied with your life at this point, stop doing what you have been doing! You must, we must, do something else! No, I don’t mean go to a different club, I mean attend a play; check out the local art museum; sign up to learn a new language. Do something to take you out of your normal circles and into new ones.

Be adventurous and enjoy the journey!

Peace

A Good Man – A Reel Life Example….

2010-12-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

How does a man know when he’s a man? How does a woman discern the difference between a ‘real’ man and a playboy, slacker, thug, perpetual teen-ager, pimp or similar man of no (low) value? I was reading a blog where this question was being addressed by men offering comments describing what they thought made a man, in fact, a man. Just what are the attributes, behaviors, and characteristics that distinguish a man from a boy?

In general appearance, a beard and big muscles, was ruled out as a symbol of manhood. What most of the men commenting on the post mentioned were things such as establishing and adhering to a set of core values; keeping your word; controlling your tempering; readily rendering assistance – going out of your way to help women, children and old people; controlling your tongue; doing good daily; being able to build/fix/create/accomplish something with your hands/mind/body; and being confident.

H/T to The Art of Manliness at www.artofmanliness.com

Julie and Julia

I recently watched ‘Julie and Julia’, the 2009 movie about Julie Powell challenging herself to cook every recipe in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking. The narrative of the movie is split between Julia Child finding herself and her calling after she moves with her husband to France and Julie Powell finding her writing Muse as she documents her one year odyssey in French cuisine.

I will not comment on the health consequences of cooking with so much butter, consuming cream-based sauces or the lack of regard for calorie consumption. The food looked gorgeous! This observation comes from a vegetarian/mostly-vegan/raw food wanna-be! LOL The food, however, is not the point. The point is the relationship between Julia and Paul Child.

Julia and Paul

While not the stereotypical Alpha-male, Paul Child was a man any mature, self-reflective woman would love to have in her life. Paul Child behaved the way a principled, honorable man behaves. He adored Julia, treasured her, supported and encouraged her. Even though she was older (late thirties) when they married and she did not resemble the popular version of beauty at the time. Julia’s husband wanted her to be happy and indulged her pursuits in trying to find ‘something to do’ while she made a home for him during his various overseas assignments, remember, this is the late 1940’s early 1950’s. In the movie, Paul is attracted to Julia romantically, intellectually and physically. Paul is patient with Julia, protective of her, and is present for her. Paul is her champion! Paul is Julia’s rock; her foundation.

And she loves him! She is sure to make time for him; she is on his side; she stands by him. Julia loves his mind and his sophisticated palate (she loved to cook for him). Julia thinks Paul is wonderful and tells him so! She doesn’t berate or belittle him when circumstances with his job changes.

The feminine in her always responds to the masculine in him. They complimented each other.

Real World Application

Most women want a man of high value. Most women want a man who loves her, protects her, values her, and provides for her and her children.

And there is nothing wrong with that! Don’t let anyone make you wrong for desiring a man who can provide, protect and support you! I believe a woman should always be able to support herself when circumstances require her to do so. Education and a good job are paramount. But it is every real man’s duty to provide resources for his wife. It is every real woman’s job to utilize the resources wisely.

In the real world situations will arise in which the wife might be the sole breadwinner on a temporary basis, however, the husband must be in the hunt for the next employment opportunity, not sitting at home or in a bar (strip club), or over to a friends house, or pursing potential hook-ups while the wife is at work.

Ummmm?!?! Heck to the no way!!!

Only real men need apply….reference the above for examples.

Peace

Fat Is NOT the New Sexy!!!…….posted 11-08-10

2010-11-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

Running, Running, Running

I am in training to run a half marathon in January 2011. Which means any spare time not spent doing my regular training routine, prepping for my weekly classes (I work as a fitness professional and am a certified yoga teacher, mat Pilates, reformer, and SPINNING instructor), teaching my weekly classes (24 in all), preparing food, eating….. Well go get the idea, my time seems to evaporate!

The most I have run in 6 miles, a feat I accomplished at the end of last year, I settled in around 4 miles then issues cropped up. I have since recovered. I am about six months out and I feel fit enough to get back on the road…literally. So I am running!

One of the perks of what I do for a living is free access to various and sundry gyms which I cheerfully take advantage. I am content to train alone, though it is more ‘fun’ when I train with my friends (also fitness professionals). It is important for me to be healthy and have a physique that lets you know I take fitness seriously. It’s a calling card of sorts or at least an advertisement of what fitness training can do for you.

The Point

I was working out with a friend of mine and the subject of black women and obesity came up. She asked me why black women seemed more accepting of being overweight.

I told her I didn’t know. And I don’t. I am not one of those women.

I don’t obsess over my weight (well not to a neurotic or pathological extent, anyway). Yes, I train/workout. Yes, I watch what I eat. Even now, I am trying to cut down on my sugar intake (not just the granular, but the potatoes and chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate cake). Mind you I probably won’t ever cut the out completely and really, that’s not my aim. What I am working on is keeping my consumption of such foods to a minimum. Even better, I am back on my ‘vegan’ food lifestyle so when I do have the cake or the cookies, I will make them myself so I can control the type and amount of sweetener and the amount sodium. This isn’t just because of fat and calories; it’s because of the inflammation sugar causes in the body.

Statistics*

My snarky comments appear in italics. :-D

-Seventeen (17%) percent of bw over 18 years of age smoke.

Smoking?!?! Really?!?! Smoking is so 1970’s. Seriously who smokes anymore…or ever???

-Fifty-three (53%) percent of bw over 20 year of age are obese.

This is beyond sad. And don’t tell me you can’t afford a gym, because you can walk! You can do jumping jacks and squats and lunges! All in the comfort of you own home! (See a certified health provider first though).

Perhaps I’ll post a 20 minute body weight exercise routine – perhaps.

-Sixty-one (61%) percent of Af Americans do not engage in leisure-time physical activity.

See the above comment.

Functional Fitness

It is clear not everyone should be, can be or even wants to be a size __ (insert desirable number here). Skinny does not equal healthy. The absence of fat does not indicate the presence of health. I am not advocating skinny. I am advocating healthy, functional fitness.

Functional fitness can be:

- the ability to walk from the parking lot to a store without getting winded;

- the ability to chase after your children or nieces and nephew for ten minutes and not require an oxygen tank…or a defibulator;

- the ability to carry ten to fifteen pounds and not throw your back out;

- the ability to touch your toes without ripping your hamstrings…the ability to see your toes.

Fitness can be achieved through walking, running or any number of group exercise classes like step aerobics, body pump, sculpting, cycling, water aerobics, kickboxing, mat Pilates and Pilates reformer. I highly recommend yoga as I am first and foremost a yoga teacher but also because yoga can provide a holistic approach to health and wellbeing.

If you do not currently participate in a fitness regime, you must have your health evaluated by a certified health provider prior to beginning any fitness endeavor. The evaluation will not only determine if you are healthy enough to engage in your chosen physical activity, the assessment will provide a base line against which you can measure your increasing health response.

You can also purchase a heart rate monitor and have a personal trainer (or one of the trainers at the gym) calculate your maximum heart rate so you will know what your fat burning zone is and when you are in the zone.

Healthy Eating

Proper nutrition cannot be stressed enough. You have to become aware of what you eat, when you eat and how much you eat. Case in point: I had a young man ask me what else he could do, besides working out and cutting out foods like bread, French fries, soft drinks, etc. because he had hit a plateau and wasn’t losing weight anymore. I asked him what he was eating for breakfast/lunch/dinner. It turns out he would eat potato chips with every meal. No. Kidding. I told him he must start cutting down on the chip eating gradually until he could phase chips out totally (if he desired) or at least have them with a lunch meal once a week. At last report, the weight is coming off again! Yaay Him!!

Awareness! More than likely you will not lose weight or as much weight as you would like if you eat potato chips or French fries or *sob* chocolate chip cookies every day. You will be frustrated. Start a food journal (diary) and write down what you eat; how much you eat and when you eat, you don’t even have to list the calories or fat grams or sugar or Trans fat or sodium amounts at first. But you have to do something to increase your awareness about how much, when, where and why you eat what you eat. There are plenty of apps available to help you track you eating habits - use them!

I sense a future post, so stay tuned!!!

Peace

* Statistics gathered from Centers for Disease Control (CDC)

Location, Location, Location

2010-10-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

The Moynihan Report

In 1965, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, an assistant labor secretary published The Negro Family: The Case for National Action (commonly referred to as the Moynihan Report), to formulate policy for the Johnson Administration’s ‘War on Poverty’. Though the report (www.dol.gov/oasam/programs/history/webid-meynihan.htm) cited slavery, reconstruction, centuries of mistreatment, low wages, and unemployment, as factors for persistent poverty in the black community, the primary cause cited was the number of divorced, separated, disserted mothers raising children as the sole parent, as well as the rising rate of out-of-wedlock (oow) birth in the black community.

Further, the report stated the black underclass was neither ready nor capable of competing in the newly integrated society because of the systemic/savage inequities of the past. What is more disturbing is the report predicted this pattern would persist and increase due to lack of familial/social infrastructure attained through healthy, functioning families. The report prescribed a solution: government must provide access to meaningful employment for black men in order to halt the progressive deterioration of the black family.

Predictably the publication of the report unleashed a storm of controversy. Critics viewed the report as an attack on the very people it was supposed to help as it conflated poverty with black culture. Some civil rights leaders condemned the report as racist.

Past: Tangle of Pathology

The press focused on what they knew would be the most sensational or inflammatory aspect of the report, the decline of the nuclear family structure in the black community. The Moynihan report listed the increasing rate of out-of-wedlock births among African American women as a major cause/concern with regard to poverty. Civil rights leaders responded defensively to what they felt were negative assertions and defamations of character with regard to black men specifically and the black community in general, without a similar understanding of the active role slavery/Jim Crow, and discrimination played and continued to play in the oppression of black men.

Moynihan’s report presaged the ‘tangle of pathology’ would tighten in the black community unless the government intervened. The black underclass did not need overt, systemic racism to continue the downward spiral; it did not need racism and discrimination to perpetuate poverty within the black community. It was doing a perfectly respectable job on its own.

In other words, there was no need for ‘The Man’ to do anything to the black underclass; it was on track to destroy itself.

Current: Culture of Poverty

Forty years later the Moynihan Report continues to resound. Out-of-wedlock births were at 72 % of births for AA women in 2006. Over 41% of AA women have not been married by the age of 35, based on data from the National Survey of Family Growth conducted in 2002*. Single female headed households are the new norm, not the exception.

Men need their father to validate their masculinity. They require their father or a close male relative to demonstrate positive male behavior and to check negative behavior and poor impulse control issues that arise for young men and boys. If validation through a (positive) father-figure is unavailable, men may turn to sex or money as a way to prove their masculinity.

Absent fathers create a vacuum that warps the fabric of community.

It creates communities where women are seen as providers, protectors, and workhorses and where young girls are groomed to become their replacements.

It creates communities where young boys grow accustomed to seeing men who do not work to support and provide for the family

It creates communities where young men grow up watching men treat women as commodities. The message transmitted to young men is: women exist to be consumed and are easily replaced. Not surprisingly these young men and boys grow up to become consumers of women rather than husbands and partners; far too many become predators.

It is no surprise then black neighborhoods, be the urban inner-city, suburban or rural, have become or are becoming toxic to the point they are life-threatening. The cycle of poverty is a self-fulfilling, self-perpetuating prophecy for many in the black underclass.

Future: Moving on Up

Economically, single parent households are at a disadvantage in their ability to attain middle class status. Raising a child in moderately acceptable conditions (relatively safe neighborhood, decent schools, etc.) takes a certain amount of economic wherewithal. If the custodial parent did not attain at least a Bachelor Degree, the road out of the working class/underclass is that much harder.

Harder, but not impossible!

Ideally this path would be avoided at all costs. A single person without children is much more capable of struggling, striving and attaining a middle class status; either through education and chosen profession alone or the combination of marrying well and education/profession.

In the event a woman is a single mother, the task that must be undertaken is straightforward: remove yourself and your child(ren) from the toxic neighborhoods. Remaining in a toxic enclave will expose your child to the damaging cultural values, mores and beliefs that will severely limit their future prospects.

Your child will grow up thinking its natural to see garbage in the streets and homes in disrepair.

Your child will think hearing gun shots next door or across the street as unremarkable.

Your child will not realize the urban war zone they live in is not normal condition of everyday life for most people in the United States.

Your male child will believe laws were put in place by ‘The Man’ to keep ‘The Black Man’ down.

Your female child will be told it is her duty to ‘soldier’ for the black community; to protect, fight, and preserve dysfunctional communities without ever addressing the dysfunction.

Your child will learn to devalue education and intelligence as ‘acting white’ and not what ‘real’ black people do.

Your child will normalize chaos and disorder

Your child will be restricted to this cycle of poverty for the rest of their lives and the lives of their children.

Scholars and media pundits are beginning to ‘say what they see’. They know the black underclass is becoming/has become the permanent underclass, especially with the change in the economic fortunes of this country. The desire of politicians and government bureaucrats to render aid and assistance to the underclass is vanishing or gone.

The writing in on the walls, time is up! Get your strategy together! Move!

Peace

* Information taken from reports published by the Center for Disease Control.

Predators: At Home and Abroad

2010-10-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

The Ghetto

At sixty years old, a woman shouldn’t have to use a firearm in an attempt to ‘scare off’ a 12 year old boy at 11:pm at night.

Walking from home to the bus stop or from a place of employment to the parking lot should not be a gauntlet of catcalls, insulting remarks and dehumanizing behavior directed at a woman just because she is a woman.

Young girls shouldn’t have to put on extra weight or layers of extra clothes to hide her body so as not to illicit comment from grown men.

A college student shouldn’t have been shot and killed because some man was not allowed admittance a party he wasn’t invited to attend.

A mother shouldn’t have to bury her baby because her ‘baby daddy’ killed the child.

This is every day life in the toxic, terror-filled neighborhoods where young men and boys and sometimes young girls/women, run amok. This is life where rules are breaking down. Where there is no respect of/protection for the lives of women and girls.

The Congo*

Civilians are subject to extortion, brutality, and death from ‘armed combatants’.

Children are kidnapped and forced to become ~~killers~~ ‘soldiers’ for these armed forces.

Women sleep in the dense bush of the country-side because they are afraid they will be attacked when return home.

Rape of women and girls is a tool of ‘war’. The women have no protection and are routinely horrifically brutalized.

This is life where there is no rule of law. No effective system of governance. No law enforcement tasked with protecting civilians.

The Point

What is the connection you ask? The permanent black underclass developing in this country. This underclass is not alarmist fiction to be dismissed out of hand. Issues of class are easily discerned for those who bother to notice. There are real structural problems within the black community and the heavy lifting has been left to women. Women cannot teach men how to be men. Women are women.

Women can teach girls how to become women, ladies, who command respect, love and protection. This work women can do. This is the work BWE bloggers, in their varying facets, are doing. For example: ‘No Wedding, No Womb’.

What I understand from the campaign, Mrs. Karazin’s desire is for women and girls to start making smarter better choices in the men the have children with. Mrs. Kazarin believes marriage is the preferred environment for childrearing. The response to the campaign is an indicator of divergence of perceptions with regard to what ails the black community, specifically in regard to out-of-wedlock births. I read a sampling of the posts. Some most were supportive, some were not. While some few of the anti-NWNW posters provided lucid, rational disagreements with a facet or two of the campaign, most (if I remember correctly) understood the impetus.

However, some posters/commenters seemed to defend the rate of out-of-wedlock births; seemed to feel as though the campaign was merely an attempt to punish, shame, or deny women the ‘right’ to have a child. Still others felt the campaign was an attack on black men?!?! Why, one blogger asked, aren’t women being held responsible for out-of-wedlock births? Why don’t women control themselves? It takes two to tango.

Well, which is it already!!! Black women are belittled for being too picky and black women are demeaned as being out-of-control baby making machines (please read: over-sexed, licentious garden implements). Clearly, in this context, black women have been set up to fail and to be blamed, berated, and dehumanized because masses of black women can’t rise above the situation. These same people who say the want to help have a vested interest in these women staying where they are: in dangerous neighborhoods; without protection; without decent opportunities for education, employment, and marriage (long term committed relationship) which offer the chance to lift themselves out of the battlefields they call home.

The point is toxic neighborhoods, be they urban or rural, are the precursor to what the Congo has become, a nation of lawless and immoral bandits who don’t want to govern, don’t want freedom, don’t want to build a future; they are content to destroy in the pursuit of money and the illusion of personal power through brutality. The Congo is what happens when criminals take over.

The Congo is the distant early warning of what can happen in certain neighborhoods/cities in this country within the permanent black underclass.

Peace

*H/T to Gina at www.whataboutourdaughters.com for the link to the Financial Times piece ‘Africa’s Forever Wars’.

Is This Thing On???!!!---Gabby/ELLE

2010-09-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

This is my response to an insightful post at http://www.bettychambers.com/. Read her September 19th post for a little more context, though this post/comment should suffice.
-------------------------------------------------------------
/sarcasm on

OMG!!!

This is all Michelle Obama’s fault!!!

/sarcasm off

If you didn’t know, now you know!

The gloves are off! MSM are getting their psychological warfare on!

THE WHAT: The First Lady is a clearly definable, unambiguously black woman, who is smart and attractive and slim/fit.

People were/are wild about Michelle (real or feigned). Some black/AfAm women stand a little straighter and felt more attractive, more viable, more visible with a First Lady who looks like them.

THE WHY: Which is why the larger society has to demean/deface/destroy our image, in the eyes of non-black men and in our own eyes!

THE HOW: Another BWE (Khadija) blogger posted recently how people, when they want to destroy you, join your cause or act as if they are on your side. They know most black/AfAm women are desperate for allies and will volunteer all kinds of information, secrets, and strategies to people who say they are ‘on their side’; all they have to do is imply solidarity and black folks will jump through hoops they specify with little or no hint of reciprocity.

Make no mistake. ELLE supposedly ‘embracing’ Gabby’s beauty is straight-up GAME! They are selling fat acceptance to black/AfAm women who will take the cover as a sign that the larger society accepts fat women as beauty and will ‘sista-soldier’ for the cause.

AND they are laughing at us!!!! Why in this world does Gabby’s picture take of the whole frame! We see the airbrushed perfection of the other women. We see a body shot. With Gabby, the subtle (or not so subtle) subtext of the picture is….she so fat, she took up the whole frame!

The brouhaha about the ‘lightening’ of her picture is pure derail and distraction!!!

What's the popular maxim: A picture is worth a thousand words.

Are you listening to what ELLE is really saying????

A MESSAGE FROM BWE: Ladies. We have reached the event horizon. The tipping is here! We are moving from early adapters spreading the message into the larger arena! The larger society may not know exactly what is going on, but they know something is going on.

Nah! I take that back they know. And so must you! More and more AfAm women are realizing they have to move beyond the black community for love, safety, protection, and family. There are far too many groups with a vested interest in keeping as many AfAm women as they can in a position of perceived lack. It’s less work for the oppressors when you can get the oppressed to do the work instead.

This is what ELLE is telling you:
We the progressive forces of the media have made ginormous allowances outside of mainstream femininity and pulchritude in order to ‘showcase’ your ‘beauty’. And, really, black women, you should be grateful that we did this because otherwise you wouldn’t be seen at all. Oh, and don’t blame us that we had to use Gabby, after all, we are just trying to reflect you people as you are….in all your fat-is-beautiful glory. And please pay no attention to the fact we have never, and most likely, will never ‘showcase’ a morbidly obese white-woman on our cover…..we have standards…we are selling the dream of fashion and beauty! We just put her on the cover for PC points. And she’s one of four covers, so she won’t hurt our profit margin.

Peace

Contemplate, Ruminate, Elevate

2010-09-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

Labor Day is one of the few holidays I get to take off. The fitness industry generally tries to capitalize on holidays using the same rationale as retailers, grocery stores and hotels – money.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.’ - Seinfeld

Silence is Golden

There is no specific agenda for today. I’ll do so light cleaning and I’ll work on some overdue filing in my home office. My windows are open (clearly it’s between mid-morning and noon, because it’s not 112 degrees Fahrenheit yet!!), there’s a nice breeze blowing through the house, I hear the occasional car passing by (no booming system) and of course the neighbor’s dog barking every now and then (he’s behind a privacy fence a yard or so over). Mostly it’s quiet in my neighborhood. I don’t even hear the lawn mowing, leaf blowing, lawn edging guys out doing their thing.

I don’t watch television. Even my music (new agey, kirtans/chants, cello-laden classical, variously alternative, some popular) is off today.

Silence predominates. I. Love. It.

Fear Factor

Yes, I live in the ‘burbs. Predominantly non-AA. I am not worried somebody might break into my house; rob me, assault me and steal my car. Yes, yes, yes, such crimes are not limited to urban neighborhoods. Yes, yes, yes, such crimes do happen in the quiet tree-lined streets of the suburbs. There, I’ve said it, so let’s not spend time in denial or on a tangent about whether such things happen and accept that in some neighborhood these things happen with a much greater frequency. They frequency is so high; these crimes are seen as commonplace, the price you pay for living in neighborhood ‘X’.

The price is too high when:

One must accept deviant and criminal behavior as normal;

Your children become inured to violence;

You must accept street harassment as a part of walking in your neighborhood;

It is unsafe to exercise outdoors (walk, jog, run);

Your house/apartment has been broken into twice this year and you feel grateful no one was home;

There is a known crack house less than a block away from where you live;

Escape Plan

The above list is no where near exhaustive. Most of my life has been spent outside toxic neighborhoods, so I’m sure I don’t know even half of what women experience in these environments. That said, I know it is possible to escape.

My single mother did.

Was it hard work for her? Yes.

Are her children thankful? Umm… Duh!

Effecting this escape take research, planning, saving and lots of energy, resilience, and motivation.

Use the local library internet service to research ways to improve your job skills and general knowledge of the working world; with an eye toward improving your employment possibilities.

Use this same research for ways to find free training and maybe even ways to make extra income (but don’t fall for the work-at-home-scams!!!).

If there is a local college offering enrichment classes, take them!!! They are usually free and who knows, learning how to garden can benefit in the short and long term (local, organic, cheaper veggies).

Look for housing in safe areas of your city. It doesn’t have to be the newest neighborhood being developed, it can be an older neighborhood, but with people who are invested in staying in their homes and who agitate the local city government and law enforcement to keep the neighborhood safe.

Look for a house YOU can afford in the safer neighborhood. McMansions are so nineties! Who are trying to impress? You are looking for safety, not looking to keep up with the Joneses.

Spending plan, budget call it what you want, but create one and live by it. Find a not-for-profit credit counseling service (no not the ones who promise to cut your credit card debt in half in two weeks) and discuss your goals with the counselor.

Document every cent you spend! Did this over ten years ago and it was amazing because I could see what I was spending my money on and where I could make the necessary cuts in order to attain my goal.

When you get a raise (don’t’ laugh, it could happen), put the money directly into your savings account. If the cash hits your hand or your checking account you will spend it.

Do not spend money on expensive clothes or accessories. It is possible to look feminine and fashionable and not spend $400 on a purse (I wish I would!!!). Icon latest post at colorsevolving.blogspot.com is about what looks stylish, and how you can recreate those looks for less; fashion is so not my strong suit. Remember; always have your eye on appropriate attire. Your image matters!

Create a timeline or project management worksheet and stick to it. Document how much money to need for a down payment or first/last months rent, moving costs and necessary appliance purchases (notice to $3000 new bedroom suite is not included! If you have a serviceable bed, use it!).

Keep you plans/goals to yourself. People will sabotage you if they think you are trying to crawl out of the barrel.

Finally, just do it!!! Stop finding every reason in the book to stay stuck where you are! Make the move. Baby steps works.

“Every million miles
have to take a first step” - Michael Franti/Spearhead

Peace

Mind the Meme, Media, Myths

2010-09-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

There is a lot to unpack from Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s wildly inappropriate rant. She ran the gamut from white skin privilege to knee-jerk bigotry to just plain rude and wrong.

At this point, I think we understand acquiring a doctorate in Physiology and a certificate in counseling does not mean a person has the sense ‘God gave a billygoat’ as my grandmother would say; at least as far as racial issues are concerned. Despite all the heat, Schlessinger shed very little light on Jade’s problem. However, within her rant were some pretty amazing ‘tells’ to which women of African-American descent must pay attention.

Thoughts
White skin privilege exists. If you think this country is post-racial---- well, trust me it is not. White women, be they feminists, progressive, democrats, republicans, whatever enjoy, utilize and enforce female white skin privilege. Everyday. Movies, books, television and radio shows routinely tell us who is the fairest of them all…..white women.

It is so common place as to be unconscious and make no mistake the thoughts are absolutely real. If you had any doubt, the Dr. Laura incident serves as confirmation. In the larger society, black women are not seen as the equal of white women. Bw are generally not thought of as equally attractive, intelligent, feminine, loving, supportive, maternal, responsible, moral….. I could go on.

Please do not think I am saying this is true! I am merely saying this is the thought pattern, the meme, if you will, with regard to black women. Might the above be true about an individual black woman? Yes. Is it true about most black women? I hope not. Is it true about all black women? Absolutely not!!

The banality of Schlessinger’s intolerance is stunning, yet she has remained on the air for years. The use of the n-word is not the only issue at hand! We must, more importantly, focus on how bw were portrayed by the radio host amidst this tumult: hypersensitive, nitpicking, unappreciative, presumptuous, and uppity. How dare this bw complain about the behavior of her white husband’s friends and family?!?! He did marry her after all!!!

To justify this display of white skin privilege, the host went there. Twice! Not only did she basically say, ‘One of my best friends is black’….the security guy she employs!!! She also decided to defend herself by using black culture’s own shining personifications of morality and paragons of virtue: no, no, wait for it……. Rappers. And. Comedians.

Rappers. And. Comedians.

Who in the heck patterns their behavior after rappers and comedians?

Okay fine, what people with common sense…..

Okay, okay! What people with the desire to do better, have better and pass on a better way of life to their children emulate rappers and comedians?!

Did I miss the post-racial revolution? Since when do conservative republican operatives cite rappers and comedians as their role models?!?!

Perhaps this is all a huge publicity stunt for Schlessinger’s next book: ‘Think like a Comedian, Act like a Rapper’.

Feelings
The negative feeling (generated by thoughts) Schlessinger, has regarding black people and bw in general were on display. We need to recall that evidently, to Schlessinger, the caller had forgotten her place. In all her privileged glory, Dr. Laura communicated she did not feel black women were worthy of being taken seriously, of being protected or of compassion as another woman on the planet.

The one feeling distinctly conveyed in her diatribe is this: Black woman, you are not my equal.

Clearly Schlessinger felt/believed there would be no fallout for attacking this woman in this fashion. So, she ‘went all in’ on a black woman, who cares? Indeed. The only heat she worried about was her use of the n-word. She issued an ‘apology’ about her use of the word AND then true to form and expectations of privilege, claimed she was the victim in the exchange!!!

Behaviors
In this instance, as a certified counselor, Schlessinger is a big fail. She behaved in a dismissive, derisive, abusive manner toward someone who was seeking her help. Apparently in Schlessinger’s view, who was this black woman to complain? Her opinion seems to be, Jade shouldn’t have married inter-racially if she couldn’t handle the hateful, intolerant and rude comments of her husband’s friends and family. Jade should have expected to be treated with this lack of disrespect. To Schlessinger the entire matter seems unworthy of serious contemplation or compassion. What else should Jade have expected? It’s not like she’s entitled to or deserving of protection.

Sound familiar. Isn’t this remarkably similar to the burden-bearing-mule role AA women have been assigned in the black community? The larger society believes black women are supposed to take on other people’s hatred, bile, and intolerance without having their feelings hurt. Black women are strong; they can handle insensitivity, disrespect, and other-ization and not bat an eye. After all, it’s not like black women are human.

Going Forward
I say again, what AA women must pay attention to is not the use of racial epithet alone. Yes, AA women must refuse to use, laugh at, or respond (except indignantly) at being called the n-word by anyone! Schlessinger’s behavior alone should wake us up to the detriment this word is doing to our brand! If black men want to use the word, so be it. There is no reason for black women to agree actively or tacitly or otherwise.

What AA women must pay attention to is belief of some people (ww, bm, other haters) black women must stay in their place. This is nothing more than yet another scare tactic to get you not to consider dating in the global village. Jade is supposed to be a cautionary tale about inter-racial marriage. Don’t marry the evil white man, he will not protect you! Allow me to debunk this myth. The situation Jade found herself in is what happens when a woman fails to properly vet her intended. Period. Whether the man is black, white, grey, green, whatever!

Pay attention! The ultimate message of this entire media storm is: AA women, don't date outside your ‘race’ stay in your place like the strong black woman you are.

Disregard this foolishness! Resist!

Peace

Celibacy, Power and Revolution

2010-08-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

Adults, grown folks, big girls, ladies are responsible for themselves, normally.

Just Say Whoa

I like the idea of sex as much as the next person. But as we have all recently witnessed with the USDA kerfuffle, context is everything.

Why? When? Where? How? With whom? Under what conditions and commitments?

Aren’t these common sense questions? Then why aren’t more Af Amer women asking these questions? And why aren’t more Af Amer women demanding satisfactory answers? And why aren’t more Af Amer women waiting until those answers are demonstrably present?

Is sex everything or the only thing. Because that’s the impression I get sometimes. Like if someone isn’t having sex then there is something wrong with them. Like sex is a right.

I understand a sexual revolution took place, but did the revolution only result in the freedom to have random, unprotected, meaningless, joyless, casual sex with any low-life, jerk, loser (regardless or class, money, race, education, etc.) who showed interest in you.

I believe a lot of men would enjoy this version of the sexual revolution; as long as it is applies to random women he can sleep with rather than applying to his wife, daughter, mother, and just about any woman related to him.

What’s In It For You

What is the role of sex in your life? Do you use sex to secure a partner? Any kind of partner just as long as you can say you have one. Do you use sex as currency? And by currency I mean are you having sex for cash? Or to get your bills paid? If sex is within the context of a relationship, are you being satisfied? Do you enjoy sex with your boyfriend/fiancée/husband? Are you just there to please him? Is there any reciprocity?

What is in for you? Are you fully engaged and joyous about this aspect of your relationship? Do you feel safe, respected, desired, attractive, excited? Is sex something you look forward to or is it a chore you must perform? The answer matters a great deal. If you are not happy with your sex life, why are you having sex?

Power

‘No.’

How much power can one word hold.

If black women, individually and collectively, refuse to allow their bodies to be used as disrespected receptacles by any and all men, what do you think would happen?

If black women mated (married/committed) only with men who were loving, protective, responsible, intelligent, relationship-oriented; what do you think would happen?

If black women shunned or held as undesirable and unacceptable any man who exhibited violent tendencies (verbal or physical), held women in low esteem or believed women to be less than men, had children out-of-wedlock, and refused to provide for or protect his family/loved ones; what do you think would happen?

In ‘Lysistrata’, a play by Aristophanes, the women of Greece go on a sex strike to force their husbands to stop the making war on their neighbors. They did so to halt what they saw as the ridiculous waste of human life and resources that was the Peloponnesian War. Why can’t black women, individually and collectively, make a similar decision? No sex until you discontinue behavior ‘x’ and practice ‘y’.

Radical Redefinition

If black men esteem themselves because of their ‘prowess’, then by what measure are black women esteemed?

Let’s be clear, we live in a patriarchy that places high value on women’s chastity or perception of chastity. Women are penalized (interesting word) and stigmatized to a far greater degree than men are for promiscuous behavior. For women of color, casual sex is not harmless recreation or the fruits of feminist liberation; rather it is licentiousness, proof of our out-of-control animalistic nature.

How do we change the perception society has regarding black women? By demonstrating how much we are worth to ourselves, by valuing ourselves, by not settling for less from a man than love, protection, honor and respect.

With so many diseases and conditions communicable through sex, practicing celibacy is a perfect strategy for the twenty-first century. Black women accounted for 66% of the AIDS cases among women in 2007 (bw only make up 12% of the population) according to the Kaiser Family Foundation (kff.org/hivaids/). Is it just me, or is celibacy looking like a sensible, rational and viable response considering the downward spiral of the black community.

I am not saying one must remain celibate for the rest of one’s life! What I am saying is surely there will be periods in you life when it is better to refrain from unsafe casual sex with some guy, in the vain hope he will stick around after you sleep with him, than to have sex with him and have him leave anyway or worse still inform you after the fact he has no intention of only sleeping with you.

If you have been to this rodeo before, what did you gain? Are you married with children? Married without children? In a committed, monogamous relationship? In a relationship on the road to long-term commitment?

You have to teach people how to treat you. When you accept being treated as an object of sexual gratification, as a disposable thing, then you get the treatment you accepted; you get thrown away. When you make it clear in no uncertain terms you are not that type of woman, you cannot be discarded in such a manner because you refuse the advances of men you step to you with that agenda.

Practicum

Engage in honest self-reflection, self-discovery.

Get your spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial houses in order.

Find out what you want from an intimate committed relationship.

Practice celibacy.

Resist the mentality of the lowest common denominator (best demonstrated by thugs, players, rappers, professional athletes but not limited to those types of men)!

Stop restricting yourself and your options, get thee into the global village!

Peace.

Black Women and Grown-up Sex(ual Responsibility)

2010-07-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

The Comment
I wrote the comment below in response to a post on Sojourner’s Passport regarding the magical thinking some black women employ with regard to their sexuality.

“I think some of this behavior is based on the good-girl/bad-girl dynamic.

The good-girl dynamic: good-girls don't PLAN to have sex; sex just HAPPENS. If a good-girl gets pregnant (or STD/AIDS) then it's not her fault, the good-girl declares herself to be a victim of: the guy because he refused to use/didn't have protection; the hand of fate because she didn't plan on having sex that night; or the pharmaceutical industry because she tried to take the Pill, but it made sick/fat/crazy. In her mind she retains the good-girl status and is not to blame, she is instead a victim deserving of pity/government&family assistance/free babysitting services.

The bad-girl dynamic: bad-girls have sex on purpose. They PLAN to have sex. They take birth control and buy their own condoms. They get tested and require their perspective partners get tested. They share the test results and require the same from their perspective partners. They are knowledgeable about their bodies and their sexuality (not homo/hetero, but what they like, what feels good to them). Bad-girls ENJOY sex.

Sadly the majority of BW want to perpetrate the good-girl image, even if it comes at the expense of their health/life or the diminished lives of their children.

To my mind an informed/empowered woman is knowledgeable about and comfortable with her sexuality. This knowledge does not come from what someone else tells her (family, church, partner), rather in comes from intense and honest reflection about who she is and who she wants to be.

It may mean taking a look at her family history and consciously deciding not to repeat the behaviors and actions in her own family. It may mean removing herself from her current (toxic) environment. It definitely means assessing herself, her relationship (if partnered), and what she really wants from an intimate (and sexual) relationship (if she has decided a relationship is want she wants).”

Believing you, as a grown woman, are not responsible for your choices with regard to your sex life is breathtaking self-destructive.

I have always wondered why, or better yet, how a woman could have a second ‘unplanned’ pregnancy. I mean, were they not sure how the got pregnant the first time around? Willful ignorance is never a good look.

Is Sex Mandatory?
Women jump into purely sexual relationships all the time. Women fall into primarily sexual relationships (mistaking them for an actual emotional connection) all the time. Women often have sex with someone they desire to have as a boyfriend with the hope that the sexual relations will turn into a real relationship (rarely to never). Frequently women have sex with men thinking that it’s just sex and since they are dating and acting like men; no emotional connection attaches.

And since all of this happens, why all the willful ignorance surrounding sex, out-of-wedlock children, and the proliferation of STDs?

Let’s say you are an adult woman living in her own apartment. If you fail to pay your rent, you are fairly certain of the consequences of your actions. If you continue not to pay the rent; you will be evicted.

Let’s say you are an adult woman living on her own. Let’s say you meet this guy who from outward appearances is not only attractive, but successful and educated. You want him. He wants you. He wants to sleep with you after three dates. You decide to have unprotected sex with him because he prefers it that way. You do this because you want him to be your boyfriend. You do this with a man whose sexual history you have absolutely no knowledge of….well except for the fact that he likes to have unprotected sex. What do you think you can be certain of?

An unplanned pregnancy?

An STD?

Being a single mother?

HIV!?

This life is real ladies and the only one you get. In this day and age, you cannot say you don’t know ‘how’ you got pregnant/STD/HIV. You know ‘how’ they question you have to ask yourself is ‘why’?

Why are you so careless with your own life?

Why are you so desperate for someone to love you?

Why don’t you think you are responsible for your choices (not making a choice is also a choice)?

Why do you accept sex as a substitute for deep emotional commitment?

Why do you want to behave like an irresponsible damaged-beyond-repair man!?!?

Celibacy as a Responsible Choice
I am puzzled as to why celibacy isn’t discussed more often than it is. Or maybe it is discussed and I am missing the conversations. In my experience, people (full disclosure, I live in the South so…..) tend to have strange concepts about celibacy. Some think it’s weird. Others think there must be something wrong with you if you choose not to have sex. Still others believe if a person isn’t having sex it’s because they are unattractive.

Celibacy is seen as un-natural and that is weird considering a lot of women don’t want to be seen as someone who either enjoys sex or is in possession of her sexuality. You’ll be seen as the bad-girl if you want/plan to have sex and practice safer. And you’ll be viewed as if you decide not to have sex at all, for whatever motivations.

For men, again in my experience, tend to believe it is rarely to never desirable to go for long periods of time without sexual interaction. I imagine this is why some men utilize the services of sex workers. Going without sex, unless you are a priest of some sort, has been deemed unmanly.

There are myriad people choose celibacy. It can be the lack of viable/desirable mate, spiritual reasons, illness, psychological issues, religious reasons, emotional issues, health reasons, self-discipline, etc. Whatever the reasons may be, celibacy or abstinence pretty much insures a person will not be infected with an STD through sexual contact. If you have ever ended a relationship, especially if the relationship ended badly, wasn’t there a period of time; the post mortem; where you examined, reflected, healed from, and learned from the experience? In that time of self-reflection and healing, were you concerned about having sex or were you more concerned about healing and learning and letting go?

Celibacy is not for the weak. It is not a game. Ultimately voluntary celibacy is (or can be) about self-love, self-acceptance, and self-discipline. Clearly celibacy deserves a post unto itself and it will be forthcoming. In the meantime, with all the sexual lawlessness, foolishness, and insanity you really must take control of and be responsible for your sexuality.

We are here. The time is now.

Peace

You Better Recognize…….

2010-06-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hate speech is hate speech regardless of who is speaking.

From the HipHop Industrial Complex
Rappers?!?! What are you gonna do? Have they lost their minds??? I am amazed (but somehow not) at how comfortable these guys feel spewing this unadulterated hate/disrespect toward black women, be it on YouTube or online print media. But then, they believe we are an easy target. Who will defend the honor and image of black women? Anyone? Anyone?

Black women, note to self, when a guy tells you he prefers white women because ww are beautiful and obedient and will not date black women because bw won’t bow down and think too highly of themselves, believe him!!! Don’t turn around and beg him to accept you, despite the fact he thinks you are unattractive and unlovable. Don’t ask him to change his mind about you and give you a chance despite the flaws he perceives in you because of your skin color. I mean, would you beg a racist white person to reconsider their opinions of black folk and accept you as a friend despite their perceptions of you as sub-human? I. Think. Not.

When the words of an individual or group indicate you are not wanted, don’t get mad or defensive or hurt, get thee gone!!! And don’t look back. Your were not meant to be a punching bag (literally or metaphorically) or a pillar of salt.

From Bloggers/Commenters
The level of venom, vitriol, violence contained in some of the blog posts and comments in the black blogosphere regarding bw in general and relationships in particular can be breathtaking (no, not in a good way)! It is striking how the comments of some self-identified black men are remarkably similar in tone and content to the white people on mainstream media outlets/blogs who routinely vomit the most hateful speech in relation to persons of color with little or no provocation.

And this is coming from black men!?!? Our black kings!?!? WTH! (What the heck)

Ladies I ask you, how can we save the black community with all the division and mistrust among us? We. Cannot.

The black community has already Balkanized along socio-economic, residential, educational and cultural lines. Stop looking back! Move forward!

From Black Women
I don’t know which boggles my mind more, the bw who agree with the bm promulgating this foolishness or the bw who apologize for the bm who are so traumatized by life under the constant oppression of ‘The Man’ that he strikes out at the people who have been and are there for him, the black woman.

There are some male-identified black women have completely bought into the notion of ‘black love’ and will accept any piece of man as long as she can say she has her ‘king’. This kind of women will harangue and harass other black women who refuse to accept the lowest common denominator as a viable mate. They cheerfully throw bw under the bus so they can be seen as a ‘loyal, nothing-but-a-black-man kind of woman. Get off the bus!

Don’t Believe the Hype

Resist this foolishness in all its guises.

You cannot reason with hate.

It is not your job to protect or defend the black community.

Being a black woman does not mean you are unsupportive, unreasonable and unloving.

You do not have to be a doormat to deserve love and respect.

You Must Remember This

You are beautiful, intelligent, and desirable.

You have the right to be loved, protected, and happy.

Never doubt the power of your femininity.

Never diminish yourself to make someone else feel better.

A man who requires that you be less; is less. Walk away

You. Are. Enough.

Peace

You Can Go Your Own Way

2010-06-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Opinions are like egos, everybody’s got one. The question is, are the opinions of others more important than your own?

Everyone wants to be liked
People want other people to like them. People want the approval of their family and friends and neighbors and random people on the street. So much of our self-esteem is predicated on what other people think of us. Our self-concept is based on where we located ourselves on the social, economic, educational continuum relative to how close we feel we are to the people we admire. Seeking the approval of others is in our genes; it’s ‘Survival 101’, while this trait was necessary for our survival on the savanna, not so much in 2010.

Keeping up appearances
The financial downturn (aka recession) has cost middle and working class families their jobs, their homes, their cars. For a lot of people, the material goods by which we define ourselves (unfortunately) seem to be slipping out of our hands. For those who haven’t lost their job, they may have to deal with a reduction in salary either through direct wage cut or curtailed work week. Facing the loss of a job or reduction in income, you would think the reasonable response would be to reduce personal expenditures. If you have lost your job, is it practical for you to attempt to live they way you did when you were gainfully employed? Why are you trying to maintain that lifestyle? Are worried others will think less of you because you have been laid-off, down-sized, or have suffered a salary reduction?

Choices
What I know for sure is no-one is living your life but you. What you chose to do or choose not do is your decision! Even when you refuse to decide, you make a choice. If you make or fail to make decisions because you are afraid of what other people will think…..well, “Houston, we have a problem”!

This isn’t to say the wise counsel of someone with experience isn’t welcome, but if you are hesitating or not acting because you are afraid someone will think you are being ‘uppity’ or being ‘stuck up’ or the ever-popular ‘acting white’; then see the above ‘Houston’ reference.

Not worrying about what others think, is hard work but essential; even, no especially, when the people whose opinions you are worried about are people you hold in high esteem. Perhaps they have achieved something you would like to achieve; it is easy to be influenced by their experience. Your fears about what they will think of your plan can end up being a roadblock. Understand this! the roadblock is a substitute for your self-generated fear. Overcome it! Put one foot (or word) in front of the other and keep moving. So what if you plan doesn’t look like their plan! So what if you are pursuing a course of action they wouldn’t pursue!

What Would Fleetwood Mac Do?*

“…you can go your own waaaaaay, go your own waaay…”**

We stop ourselves and kill our own ideas and inspirations because we try to match them to what someone else has done. Maybe your book/blog/movie script isn’t the first book/blog/movie script written on a particular topic, it does not mean it isn’t worth the effort to create. And if you make money from your endeavor, so much the better!

Peace

*I have so outed myself as a Fleetwood Mac fan!!!!!!

**Word of caution and common sense: I am not talking about doing something rash, reckless, or just plain stupid.

Magical Thinking…..or Reasoning Like a 12 Year Old

2010-05-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

Fairy tales can be great entertainment. Usually there is a Princess-waiting-to-be-rescued and a Prince ready and willing to be the heroic savior or the Princess.

Aaahh, Disney reality! **insert dainty sigh and flutter of the eyelashes here**

The Story

Meanwhile, back in Reality Land, life shows up quite differently. The Princess works for a living, sometimes at a job she hates so she can pay the bills. Her parents don’t support her because, well, she is a grown woman. It’s not as if they are rich, Dad was lucky to get his job at the post office and Mom is still working at the municipal water department.

Princess is a single parent. She fell for a man who she thought was her Prince, though he gave no indication he was interested in or ready for a long term commitment. Fake-Prince worked for a nationwide shipping company. He had a good salary and medical insurance; he even owned his house and drove an expensive car.

At 28 Princess was ready to settle down and start a family. Fake-Prince was handsome, funny, knew how to have a good time, and liked to go out for dinner or to the clubs. He knew everybody and everybody knew him. They always had a good time together; their sex life was mutually satisfactory. Women were jealous of her because she was with Fake-Prince. Princess thought Fake-Prince was perfect.

After two years of dating and being his woman however, Fake-Prince had not even mentioned marriage and when she brought up the subject, Fake-Prince told her he was happy the way things were. Princess was not. Princess decided she would have a baby with Fake-Prince so he would have to marry her. After all Fake-Prince was dedicated to his son with a former girlfriend. He spent every other weekend with his son. Princess thought this bode well for her, because unlike Fake-Prince’s former girlfriend, she would make him marry her.

Princess got pregnant. Much to her surprise, Fake-Prince left her the day she told him. He even insisted the baby wasn’t his. It was a terrible time in her life. When she gave birth, Fake-Prince didn’t come see the baby. Princess took the Little Prince to see his father only to discover Fake-Prince was seeing another woman. Princess eventually had a paternity test performed to show Fake-Prince he was the father and that she had been faithful to him. The results came back; Fake-Prince was the father. It made no difference to Fake-Prince. Their relationship was over.

At almost 32 years old, Princess is actively searching for her One-True-Prince. She will find him, she is convinced of it. After all, in books and the movies the hero/prince always shows up to save the lady/princess. She is saving herself for One-True-Prince. When he comes into her life, all her problems will be solved. One-True-Prince will make enough money so she can quit her crappy job and stay at home with her son. One-True-Prince will be the love-of-her-life and they will be blissfully happy. All her friends will envy her life and will want her husband, but he will only have eyes for her. Once she and One-True-Prince are married, even Fake-Prince will realize he let a good woman get away.

Princess has decided not to pursue higher education, what’s the point since she will not work once One-True-Prince arrives.

Princess has decided not to pursue a promotion at work; pointless because she will be a stay-at-home-mom when she and One-True-Prince get married.

Princess isn’t looking to move out her apartment in a declining neighborhood because One-True-Prince will move her into his house……

The End

Wishing and Hoping and Praying

There are people who believe if they wait long enough, pray hard enough, tithe regularly then a decent man will appear. I am not making fun of these people. We have ALL been this person at one point in our lives or another, hoping and praying and begging for ‘The One’ to show up. For some women the hoping and praying and begging seems to work; a man shows up. Of course, a man will also show up for some women who never really gave a committed relationship serious thought until they met their mate.

I am not saying don’t hope or pray or ask for what you want in your life, what I am saying is have other plans or methods for securing a good life in the works also. Don’t rely on something outside of you to define you, complete you or give you what you want. That work belongs to you. That is the everyday homework you are assigned for the rest of your life.

Mind the Frame

It is important to mind the framing of what constitutes a ‘good’ or ‘fulfilling’ life. Marriage can certainly be a conduit to living well or the good life, but other options exist, especially if you are not particularly interested in matrimony, or if, despite your best efforts, you are currently single. Believing a wedding ceremony, even to someone who is financially secure, will solve all your problems and make you happy is magical thinking.

Marriage is what you (and your beloved) make of it.

Singlehood is what you (yes You) make of it.

You are your best thing.

Peace

My Window Seat

2010-04-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

I thought I’d publish a post tangentially related to Erykah Badu’s recent music video. This is not a post about: if she should have taken off her clothes; or whether she was trying to get attention; or even if she was copying Matt and Kim (they did the nude walk first on the streets on NYC).

Nope this post is about something else.

Tale of the Tape

I am more than certain you have heard about if not seen the video for ‘Window Seat’. In the video Ms. Badu removes her clothing piece by piece as she walks through Dealey Plaza (yes, there are others present - the video was shot without prior approval of, well, anyone). At the end of the video Badu is nude.

My Reaction

I was not horrified or irreparably damaged by watching the video. In point of fact, Ms. Badu breasts and genitals are purposely pixilated. We don’t see her fully nude. What we do see is a woman with a rounded belly, womanly hips, and full buttocks.

I will be honest; I did not manage to catch my knee before it hit me in my forehead. My first reaction was why is she naked when her body looks like that?

Looks. Like. That.

Looks like what?

Badu does not have the curve-less body of a thirteen year-old with D-cup sized breasts stuck on the front; which, btw, is only shape desirable in a woman at least according to the Beauty Industrial Complex.

Luckily, my knee-jerk reaction was strong enough to kick me out of autopilot mindset and force me to contemplate just how narrowly I was defining what is beautiful and what is not.

And then I began to see something I had not in my initial rush to judgment about Ms. Badu’s body.

I recalled the various female figurines I’d seen in Art Appreciation class. The female figurines tend to be fleshy, curvy, distinctly and unmistakably feminine. The figurines were believed to have been used to ensure fertility and/or used in goddess worship in the ancient in Africa, Europe and the Middle East.

And then I realized how subversive this video could be.

The Big Picture

There is nude and there is naked. There is power and there is oppression. There is control and there is objectification. There is expression and there is titillation. There is beauty and there is crass commercialism.

Pick a rap video, almost any rap video and what do you see? Don’t guess, I’ll tell you. Women’s body parts on display for men. I am not even going to touch on the hue-ism, stereotyping, and other destructive elements in most of these videos. Let’s be clear. The women in those videos are not in control of their image. They are sexualized objects. What’s sad is the same thread seems to run through a lot of the videos by woman rappers too.

Okay, in the interest of full disclosure I haven’t really watched a rap video (or any music video) for a number of years now but I remember how foul and unwatchable BET became. I don’t imagine the quality has been upgraded.

To me the difference between Badu’s nudity and the crass commercialism of most rap videos is power, control, beauty and expression. ‘Window Seat’ isn’t selling sex. Badu isn’t removing her clothes for the attention of a man or in competition with some other woman for a man. Badu isn’t gyrating or flashing her crotch or getting drunk and having sex she doesn’t remember. Her body is her body.

Is the video provocative? Definitely! But not for the reasons that automatically jump to mind. From what little I’ve read (not because there was so little written, but because I didn’t need to read a lot to get the gist of the reaction in the media) people are talking about her big butt and her cellulite and why did she take her clothes off when her body doesn’t look like what we’ve been programmed to think is beautiful?

I’m not talking about the overt message either; her short discourse on groupthink. I’m talking about the subtle, subversion of her nudity. I’m talking about how if one moves past the Jedi mind trick of the Beauty Industrial Complex; you begin to see how one nude woman owning her femininity can start to change things.

I’m talking about how one woman accepting her body as it is, womanly, fleshy, fertile, life giving, child birthing, nourishing, nurturing…can alter the groupthink about what is beautiful and feminine and acceptable.

Lest you think I am talking about unhealthy (seriously over-weight, obese) think again. I’m talking about women loving their curves. There is nothing healthy about being five feet tall and weighing 160 pounds. Similarly, there is nothing healthy about being five feet seven inches tall and weighing 105 pounds (word to the wise; after forty skinny is not cute…..you just look old).

If you haven’t done so yet, contemplate the beauty myth you are being spoon fed by the mass media. Whether it’s sitcoms, movies, videos, magazines, online, whatever! Women don’t come in just one size, neither should beauty.

Don’t just consume! Think! Resist! Challenge the status quo!

Peace

What We Cannot Fix

2010-04-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

The following is an incomplete list of things neither you nor I can fix, change or repair.

Other people – you cannot change another human being. Period.

The past – has happened, it’s over, move on!

Toxic neighborhoods – if the entire police force of a city cannot change a neighborhood, why would you think Little Miss You can?

Racism – see 'Other people'

Players/Ballers/Pimps – again reference 'Other people'

Black love – if you love somebody and you’re black….we’re done. I guess I was wrong, we can fix this one!!!! ;-)

Sexism – umm….yeah…men…….see 'Other people'

Colorblindness – if someone tells you they don’t see color, I would suggest an eye exam. Willful blindness is not tolerance or racial justice; it’s ignorance! ….see 'Racism'

Criminals/Ex-cons/Thugs – do I even have to explain??

Psychopaths/ Human predators – see above

Black Community – if you cannot change someone else, how can you change a bunch of them?

There is a saying. ‘God grant me the strength to change the things I can change; the ability to accept the things I cannot change; and the wisdom to know the difference.’

Discerning the difference allows you to pour your resources into what will benefits you rather than deplete you. This is not being selfish; rather this is you acting in your best interest. Your time, money, energy, creativity are not infinite. Use your resources wisely.

Peace

Strong Black Women(SBW) Blues

2010-03-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Why do we ignore pain? Whether it is physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Generally, usually, mainly pain is trying to get us to pay attention to something. Pain is both the initial wake up call and the final ‘nuclear’ option. Initially pain can be the short sharp shout telling you to pay attention to your lower right abdomen, something isn’t right. Get this checked out. The pain may even subside, after all it has called your attention to the ‘not-rightness’ of the situation. If you choose not to act then sooner, rather than later, the pain goes ‘nuclear’ it switches on and stays on. It is amazing how long pain can last!

SBW and Pain

We (for this post ‘we’=BW) are used to ignoring pain. We think we are strong women when we ‘work through’ the pain. We wear pain as a badge of honor!

We ignore the pain we feel in our chest for hours until we notice it radiating to the jaw and down the right arm. And then we still ignore the pain until we are about to pass out and yell for someone to call for an ambulance.

We ignore the pain we feel in our heart when some woman calls our house or his cell phone at 9:pm wanting to know where is our husband/fiancé/boyfriend and wondering why you (the wife/fiancée/girlfriend) are answering his phone. And we don’t confront him.

We ignore the pain we feel in our mind when we know, when we just know a situation or place is not safe or trustworthy. And we stay there in the place or the situation.

SBW and Strength

We think as strong women we are supposed to accept a man who has a relationship with more than one woman. Strong women can share a man. Strong women don’t have to rely on a man.

We think as strong women we are supposed to fix, uplift, and upgrade broken, toxic, unsafe communities. Strong women go to church in dangerous neighborhoods where people shoot into church. Strong women stay and fight for the lives of these people.

We think as strong women we are supposed to help the men in our lives be men, so that, as men, they can lead the family. (The family we are currently leading.) As strong women we should make men feel like men; help men become better men; accept men as they are; stop demanding so much from men when they come home; and praise men for doing the things they are supposed to do. (I read this on a blog, don’t blame me for the contradictions.)

This is how strong women roll.

Seriously?!

This is how strong women roll?

Letting go of the SBW Stereotype

Where is the reciprocity?!

If a woman you helped in the past does not return the favor, what do you do? Do you help her again the next time? Oh I don’t think so!! I think you tell old girl you don’t have the time, money, resources, or whatever. Maybe you are nice about it. Maybe you are not nice, reminding her how she didn’t help you out when you asked for help. However it goes down, you most likely don’t dole out the assistance.

So why is it different with a man, or an organization, or a community?

Black women have got to let go of the stereotypical strong black woman crap. We hold on to this stereotype to our detriment. This stereotype is just as injurious to us as the ‘mammy’ or the ‘sapphire’ stereotype of the early/mid twentieth century.

The pain we are feeling is not a wake up call. The pain we are feeling is the ‘nuclear’ option. Either we address what ails us now, or we will continue to suffer. We will continue to throw good money after bad, give valuable time to losers, and waste precious resources on toxic communities.

And when I say fix what ails us, I do not mean to fix what ails the community, I mean fix what ails you. Individual. Black. Woman.

Because when you are clear-eyed and pain-free, you can determine your next best move.

Peace

On Not Dating……

2010-03-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

While visiting a BWE bog I responded to one of the posts sparked by a recent Washington Post newspaper/online article about, what else, black women dating outside their race. Mind you this was not the entire focus of the post, more of a jumping off point to discuss black women and their/our need to deconstruct some of the prevailing myths about black women and who were are (or are supposed to be) according to ‘Ye Olde Black Monolith’.

The part of the post having the most immediate resonance with me was the discussion regarding self-actualization and how it can be achieved without a man.

My entire comment is in response to this particular portion of the post:

“Of course women can be self-actualized without being married, partnered or dating. Self-actualization requires a woman be in relationship with herself not with another person. The negative slant mainstream media have attached to being an ‘educated, single, greater than 40’ black woman is a constant mantra these days. Rest assured the negativity will only increase. Mainstream media love pathology and surely, in the estimation of the media, there is a goldmine of pathology embedded in being a single, black woman over 40.

In this marriage-minded culture, singlehood is looked upon as a problem to be solved rather than a way of living and being in the world. If a person is single by circumstance (i.e. the person wants to be married but is not for any number of reasons) then the poor unfortunate warrants pity. If a person deliberately chooses to be single then the person is thought odd at best and quite possibly deviant at worst.

Being single at an age greater than 40 is not the indication of failure some women believe it to be. It is not an occasion for people to pity a woman because (in their opinion) she wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough or lucky enough to be chosen by some supposed prince charming. Nor is it an occasion for people to cheerfully point out her ‘situation’ is her fault because she thought too highly of herself in her 20’s and 30’s, was too picky and therefore deserves to be a lonely, bitter, childless spinster at the ripe old age of 40. Can you say schadenfreude?

Actually, what better time exists for one to develop an inner-life? What better time exists for one to embark on the journey of deep self-reflection? When is there a more opportune time for the deep work one must undertake to achieve self-actualization? This is not to say these things cannot be achieved if one is in any way partnered, rather, I’m saying being single presents a great chance to focus your attention on yourself.”

I am dedicating a few posts about singlehood on this blog because I believe it is important to discuss various perspectives with regard to empowering black women to make more informed choices in their lives.

I think it is of paramount importance for black women to understand single and childfree does not equal failure! This is a false construct! This mindset keeps you focused on what is perceived as lack rather than what is actually abundance.

‘If I don’t have a man, where is the abundance’ you ask? Your abundance is in the opportunity to focus on what you do have. Mental, emotional, spiritually, psychological, financial, whatever! Now is the time to examine, excavate, uncover, and discover Who You Really Are!

Focusing on what you do not have only increases your awareness of what you do not have….which tends, in my experience, to depress the heck out of you.

Focusing on what is present in your life intensifies your gratitude for what is (again in my experience). Focusing on what is brings you into the present moment. No magical thinking. No fantasy. When you know what is real, you can work to accept what is real or work to change what is real (and learn to discriminate between what is changeable and what is not).

This is not to say life will be a cakewalk, but isn’t it better to expend your energy on reality rather than fantasy? Isn’t better to know who you are and to trust your knowledge than to accept an identity other people have attached to you?

Peace

But That’s not the Problem….

2010-03-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

Society and the media continue to treat being single as a problem to be solved rather than a way of living in the world.

A number of blogs I visit do the same thing.

Maybe It's Me

Do you get the feeling from reading some blogs if you are still single at some age greater than 40 then there is something wrong with you? Perhaps, according to them, you have fallen for the only-a-black-man party line or have set your standards too high or continue to live in an area with a miniscule number of eligible*, interested men or some other issue pointing to your lack of understanding of or complacency with the status quo. Plenty of bloggers/commenters gleefully predict how women over 40 will end up as sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, bitter, multiple-cat-owning spinsters unable to pass their genetic material into the next generation.

What ever the situation, what they seem to be saying is, it’s your fault.

Single Female Blogging

I suspect like most (some/a significant minority) people, I have periods where I access the internetz with something approaching regularity which are then followed by long periods when I don’t even go online (this past week for example).

I am busy (and deeply grateful to be busy). I work in the fitness field and I drive all over the metro-area to teach. Pro – I am in great shape! Con – I don’t always have time to get to the computer during the week.

I peruse a number of blogs and read a few blogs regularly. Often, I don’t get to read my favorite blogs on a daily, every other day or weekly basis due to my schedule. The blogs I like encourage women to choose wisely; to expand their horizons; to examine actions, thoughts and beliefs; and to develop an inner-life. Heck to live a better life! I enjoy learning about the different paths people take to improve their lives.

What I don’t find (and maybe I just haven’t run across blogs addressing this issue) is a blog focusing on every day life as a single black women not looking for a relationship. What I don’t see is the acknowledgement that singlehood is a viable, enjoyable option. No I am not against marriage. No I am not suggesting children don’t need a father. I am not offering an opinion on motherhood. Being coupled and/or being a mother is not the cure to being single.

BlogWorthy

Singlehood is not an indication of worth.

I have no doubt the map of your world can be positively shaped by having an intimate relationship with another human being. And by intimate I don’t just mean physical, I mean a deep connection to someone on an emotional, mental, and spiritual (not religious) level. Marriage can give a person that kind of a connection. Or not.

I also have no doubt the map of your world can be positively shaped by having a deep connection to/knowledge of your Self.

Let’s be clear, if you are single beyond the age of 40 there is nothing wrong with you. If you are trying to meet someone: cool. If you are not trying to meet someone because you are engaged in some kind of personal transformation/discovery: cool. If you are not trying because you don’t have room for anyone in your life, now or ever: cool.

Life is worth living and living well when you are single! You don’t need a husband or significant other or children to validate your life. Marriage is not the only path to a happy life. (Mind you, I don’t recommend dating losers or sleeping around indiscriminately (unprotected or otherwise!) either…that would be pointless and mind-bogglingly ill-advised.)

What I mean is if you are single and not dating; if you are not out hunting for Mr. Right at the moment, well that’s cool too!

I'm starting to blog about it. Like to read it? Here we go...

Peace

*Eligible does not include men who are married, damaged, no/low value or do not desire monogamy, regardless of color.

Food For Thought

2010-02-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to post about the return of Khadija for a minute now, but you know how life interferes with the best of blogging intentions. With this in mind, I thought I’d share three BWE blogs I read reasonably regularly (sometimes I am more regular than others).

Khadija’s New Joint

The new blog is www.sojournerspassport.com (her old joint is muslimbushido.blogspot.com is still accessible and required ready for every woman…..well, period). The new blog focuses on what actions, tactics and techniques women can undertake to live an optimal lifestyle. Like the first blog, Sojourner’s Passport provides a much needed perspective on life in this society.

Khadija also published a book, non-fiction ‘Sojourner’s Passport’ click on the Amazon link at her site for the book trailer.

Peace and Blessing Khadija and thanks for continuing to shine your light.

Halima’s Spot

Oh. My. Goodness!! You must get thee to Halima’s www.dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com and read the post dated Jan. 28, 2010! ‘Who’s Zooming Who’ is an eye opener. Also, Halima’s February 2010 series discusses specific action bw can become a part of as a counter-offensive to the continuing media cheap shots at black women.

Faith’s Blog

I’d also like to mention www.actsoffaithblog.com. I enjoy Faith’s blog and her comments on other blogs. Her Jan. 18, 2010 post about black women and the civil rights movement is a must read.

Peace

The Pleasure Principle???……….

2010-02-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

Most people want to feel pleasure. All day. Every day.

Most people do not want to feel pain. At all. Ever.

Pleasure, Duality and You

We cannot escape duality: pleasure and pain, hot and cold, ease and discomfort, sweet and sour, excitement and boredom, compassion and aggression, birth and death, peace and violence, love and hate.

Existence means you will encounter one and the other.

Question: Why can’t life be full of pleasure and only pleasure?
Answer: If you never experience pain, how will you recognize pleasure?

If you have only pleasure in your life, never an instant of pain, how can you appreciate pleasure? How will you know and truly experience the depths and heights of pleasure, unless you experience ‘not- pleasure’.

If you have an abundance of everything on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, what would be your purpose? Why would you be here? To my mind such a life of pleasure would engender inertia.

On this plane of existence, the purpose is to experience one to appreciate the other. Compassion can be an excellent teacher. And so can aggression.

If you only know pleasure why would you pursue more pleasure? Duality must exist for you to determine which emotion, feeling, or thought generates the most benefit.

Life is not either/or: either sweet or sour; either pleasure or pain; either birth or death. Life is both/and: both birth and death; both compassion and aggression; both love and hate.

The Pursuit of Happiness

We must keep in mind pleasure is an experience, not an identity. Pleasure like pain is impermanent. It is not a fixed place, time, or state of mind.

Marketers/advertisers, the capitalist tools used to sell us goods and services, discovered a long time ago people want what they believe they do not have. Marketing executives and the psychologists, who advise them, imply through their advertisements if you buy product X you will be prettier, sexier, happier, better, more. The product can be material or an experience. For example, an annual vacation in the Bahamas or Hawaii or Greece will bring you pleasure with the extra added benefit of showing your friends and neighbors you can afford the good life (i.e. you are better/richer/happier than they are).

But in order to maintain this experience of pleasure and superiority, you have to take a vacation to some distant locale every year. If you don’t have the cash to buy your happiness/superiority, you put it on plastic and place yourself and your family in debt.

Here’s the duality of the situation. You have the temporary pleasure of a seven-day/six-night trip to Hawaii and the long term pain of paying the debt down over the next three or four years. Not to mention all the other debt you and your plastic pleasure machine created in addition to the trip to Hawaii.

Is the pursuit of happiness really about living above your means, constantly stressed-out over the amount of debt you owe?

Worthwhile Pursuits

You are enough.

Right now.

As you are.

Everything else is window dressing. The car, the house, the clothes, the schools, the clubs, the trips, the whatever-other-crap-you-think-of is all unnecessary stuff. None of it is coming with you when transition to the next phase of your journey. It all stays here.

Do yourself a favor and start divesting yourself of your attachment to material things. Heck, do yourself a favor and divest yourself of non-material status symbols. It’s all non-transferrable anyway! Unlike your 401k, there is no rollover!

Am I suggesting that you stop striving for a stable financial situation for your family, safer neighborhood to live in, better schools for your children and a secure retirement fund? Uuummm, no! I am suggesting however, driving yourself into debt for non-necessary items like a high-priced/over-price car, handbag, shoes, smart phone, designer clothes, and trip to the all-star basketball game when you can’t afford it is counter-productive at best; self-destructive at worst.

Remember, 2010 is the year to stop doing stupid stuff! Been stupid, done stupid, moving on!

This year put your money and energy where you will reap the most benefit….and no I do not mean a new (insert designer name here) handbag!

I mean invest your money into a stocks, savings account, money market, bonds, or a 401K.

I mean paying down whatever debt you owe (credit cards, payday loans, etc.).

I mean track you spending so you will see where you spend your money and what you spend it on.

I mean stop pursuing superfluous, empty pleasure when you know the pain is just around the corner!

If you are going to endure pain make the pleasure something more tangible and long lasting than a trip or clothes.

If you are going to endure pain, endure it for a home in a safe neighborhood.

If you are going to endure pain, endure it for a college education for you and your children.

If you are going to endure pain, make it meaningful and worth the sacrifice.

Peace

The Marriage Frame

2010-01-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

Marriage as the ideal

Let me say this right now, I am not against marriage.

I am for people determining how best to live their lives either with someone or with themselves. Marriage has been framed as the ideal relationship situation for two adults who are not related to each other (hopefully!) and who love/care/are committed each other……..well, unless you are a part of a same sex relationship and then not so much. I cannot think of a single instance of another form of committed relationship that garners as much respect, legal protection, and federal/corporate-sponsored benefits as marriage.

If I am not mistaken, initially marriage equality was not necessarily the goal within the gay rights community. Rather it was for recognition of long-term committed relationships with regard to legal and federal/corporate benefits (ex. if Person A of a twenty year relationship was seriously ill, then Person B would be considered next of kin and therefore would be the primary contact for all medical decisions with respect to Person A if Person A was unable to make such decisions and not a member of Person A's family who has not spoken to Person A since the two became a couple). At some point the issue became marriage equality. Why? Because marriage is accepted as the ideal.

Matrimony impacts legal, social, federal, corporate, psychological, and physical facets of life and includes tax breaks, discounted health insurance premiums, disposition of property, inheritance, retirement, Medicare and social security.

Black folks need not apply?

Remember all the reports and news pieces about the demise of the black family?

Remember the reports about how young black kids thought marriage was for white people?

How can you help but notice how professional black women are being portrayed as lonely and desperate because they are not married.

Marriage…..what a concept!

Many people believe marriage practices, beliefs and traditions are unchanged since the first people married.

So not true! Over the centuries the how, why and who of marriage has changed. For example, in the 1500s the Council of Trent decided it would conduct and supervise marriage ceremonies because so many people were 'marrying' without a ceremony, witnesses, or anything. Basically, two people decided they were married; told their family, friends and neighbors and went about their married life.

Until roughly the Victorian era (in European tradition), love was not the primary motivator for marriage. Wealth, property, bloodlines, status, political alliances, etc. were the reasons families married their often-times very young daughters to middle-aged/old men. Of course, during those times women were property not people, despite all the revisionist-history movies romanticizing the period.

If we ignore the history of marriage up until let’s the 1900s then it is possible to assert (with many instances to the contrary) marriage has maintained certain traditions.

It is within this frame (hello, are you paying attention?) that current societal beliefs and practices about marriage are promulgated. Currently, matrimony is the only recognized union vested with the authority to validate relationships between a man and a woman (narrowing the scope to hetero relationships).

Let’s say a man and woman fall in love, move in together and have children. The children born to this couple are considered illegitimate, even though this couple will remain committed and faithful to each other until they are parted by death. A death, by the way, could result in child custody issues, problems with the disposition of property, as well as, inheritance issues (unless a will is in place). Clearly not being married will not impact the love and commitment of this couple. Not being married however, will greatly impact this couple since they will not be eligible for the aforementioned benefits of matrimony.

If matrimony does not protect the love relationship of the people involved, what does it protect?

Alternatives

If civil unions and/or domestic partnerships offered the same range of benefits as matrimony, without being called marriage, would it be sufficient to resolve the issues our hypothetical couple might face? Would such an approach follow along the lines of separate-but-equal? Would civil unions/domestic partnerships eventually be considered separate and not really equal?

I think it’s a good idea for people who are in a long term committed relationship to have the same rights, privileges, and benefits as people married. Why civil unions as opposed to marriage? Some people don’t want the church/religious ceremony. Others have problems with the traditional roles assigned to and assumptions made about the wife and the husband. Sometimes, the couple desires something more reflective of their relationship.

Since the government is already in the business (for good or ill) of sanctioning and ratifying relationships, why not put some additional options on the menu? If the goal is stable relationships wherein two committed adults provide for, protect, and nurture their children; is the one-size-fits-all template of matrimony all we can do?

That said I firmly believe being with yourself is just as valid and worthwhile as coupling of any description. Each option (being single, being committed or being married) can be affirmed without denigrating or devaluing the other options.

What about children? Let me say this right now, I am not against children!

In my own life, I made the decision not to have children without a partner/husband. Why? Because I know the presence of a loving, positive, committed partner/husband will make all the difference in the life of my child/children. Bringing a child into this world without the benefit of a stable committed relationship can encumber the child with issues of abandonment, identity, and low self-esteem, just to name a few. Yes a single mother can do a wonderful, fantastic, amazing job! My mom certainly did! However, my decision not to have children as a single woman is based on what I feel is best for my life. The opportunities available to me as far as education, career, travel, and financial security are greatly enhanced, as a single woman, without children.

To be married or not to be married, is that the question?

Peace

New Year....New You

2009-12-31T19:33:00.000-08:00

Mass Media

Those of us paying attention can see the writing on the wall. Mass media would like to make 2010 the year of ‘Black Women’s Pathology.

Their mission: Convince black women they are unlovable, undeserving and unworthy of respect, protection, and loving/healthy relationships.

Who benefits: People profiting from black women’s confusion, fear and low self-esteem.

Black Women

The question for us is how many of us will fall for the whole black-women-it-sucks-to-be-you meme. How many of us will buy-in, believe, and internalize this creation? How many of us will cooperate, repeat and negatively react to this fiction?

Our mission: Don’t believe the hype; dismiss the media and the profits of doom (yes I know how to spell prophets……but you get the point….right?); focus on how to improve your/our brand.

Who benefits: Black women.

What am I Doing?

In 2010 I will continue to:

Reject all attempts to pathologize me, marginalize me, demonize me, and minimize me.

Refuse to patronize movies or purchase books engaging in any of the above and which portray black women as pathological, hypersexual, undesirable, etc.

Refuse to watch (not that I have cable or satellite anyway) media ‘reports’ on the state of black women –you know- black-women-it-sucks-to-be-you stories.

Refuse to internalize foolishness, drama, and lies reported by, repeated by, and generated by the media, celebrities, ‘reality’ television, or the internetz.

Pledge know myself, honor myself, love myself, and respect myself.

Invest time in self-reflection, self-study and self-love.

Take positive steps to change what is not working for me (i.e. being open to moving to a different part of the city, country, world to find a mate – if a committed relationship is desired).

Affirm being single is not a disease, disaster, or death sentence.

Resistance

If black women believe this myth is true; it will persist. If black women support it, internalize it and repeat it without critical thought; it will persist. I say we resist!

Resistance can take many forms:

Resist feeling less beautiful.

Resist feeling unlovable.

Resist the expectation/command to save everybody.

Resist the expectation/command to meet everyone else’s needs.

Resist the belief a piece of man is better than no man.

Resist feeling sorry for yourself if you are not in a relationship.

Resist feeling like it’s your fault.

Resist lowest-common-denominator behavior

Resist the mindset that you don’t have the right to a set of non-negotiables.

Resist! Resist! Resist!

Peace

General Information....Graduate School Program

2009-12-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

Saw this at the ‘Black Women Deserve Better’ blog and thought I’d pass it on.

FREE MASTERS PROGRAM AT WAKE FOREST RECEIVES POOR RESPONSE
Wake Forest University has an opportunity for minority students to attend its MBA program for FREE, and so far, the response has been very poor. Please, pass along this opportunity to your friends, families, and networks to see if there is an interest. This is a great school and a tremendous opportunity to attend a top graduate school.

See details below.

The contact person information is:

Derrick S. Boone, Ph.D.
Associate Professor of Marketing
Room 3139 Worrell Professional Center
Babcock Graduate School of Management
Wake Forest University
1834 WakeForest Drive
Winston-Salem , NC 27109-8758

email: derrick.boone@..
Website: http://mba.wfu.edu/
Phone: (336)..758.4475;
Toll-free: (866) 925-3622;
Fax: & nbsp; 336.758.4514

Message from Derrick S. Boone, Ph.D.: Greetings, I wanted to let you know about a great opportunity here at Wake Forest where you can get a FREE education and get PAID while you're doing it. Our Dean of the Schools of Business is the former CEO of PepsiCo and very committed to diversity. He's gone around to his CEO friends, who have agreed to donate a bunch of money to pay tuition and fees, provide a stipend, and a job, to diverse students. The details are below. The problem is, response to the program has been dismal! As a faculty member, I would be embarrassed for him to have to tell his CEO friends, "thanks so much for your donation, but unfortunately I have to give it back because we couldn't find Any students who wanted it." So, I need your help. Please contact me if you, or ANYONE you know is interested in the program. I want to help out as many young scholars as I can. Don't worry about whether or not you (or they) have taken the GMAT, etc. All you need to do at this point is JUST APPLY. About the Program: The Master of Art in Management program is designed specifically for liberal arts majors only. The MA degree program is a 10 month intense study of the basic functional areas of Business. After graduation and working for approximately two years, all MA graduates are eligible to apply to Wake Forest as part of the MA/MBA joint degree program and get the MBA in one year. The new Dean, Steve Reinemund, has created a new scholarship for diverse students pursuing the MA degree called the Corporate Fellowship. The Corporate Fellowship provides full tuition and a $21,000 stipend to cover living expenses. Additionally, each Corporate Fellow will participate in a practicum. The practicum has two components,educational and professional development. Each student will be assigned a mentor that is a high level executive with their sponsor corporation.The mentor will oversee an educational project covering 4 of the functional areas of business using their own corporation as the subject. The student will visit the corporation 3-4 times during the program to present his/her results of their research project. Additionally, the "professional development" component of the fellowship provides career coaching and leadership development for the students. The goal for the corporation is to be able to groom and hopefully, hire a top candidate from a diverse background for their organization. Of course, there is no obligation that the students accept any offer ofemployment. Still, the student benefits, even if they are not ultimately hired by their sponsor corporation in that they have the MA degree and the t ype of experience that will make them more marketable.

Peace

Images........

2009-12-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

In the headlines

Black women are going to jail for selling their children for sex or killing their children or allowing low-life predators (boyfriends??) to kill their children or abandoning their children because they failed to make sufficient plans to have someone take care of their children before deployment or……..

At your local cinema

Then there’s the movie featuring black female pathology. Oh and the movie about black women and their tortured, insane hair pathology……

Alright, alright………… Hey, there is finally a Disney movie with a black princess!!! But why is she a frog? And how come the prince isn’t black?!!!!

Okay fine, but then there’s the movie……hmmmm, well there’s got to be something coming to a theater near you. Hopefully something that does not feature……oh…… you know……some sort of pathology.

It’s hard out there for the image of black women!

Historically black women have been described and depicted as: mammy, sapphire, or tragic mulatto. More recently we have: welfare queen, crack/drug addicted prostitute, gold digger,
hoochie mama/stripper, etc. Within in each stereotype lurks the specter of black women as licentious, insatiable, bereft of morals and unwilling/unable to care for their children.

A lot of black women are disturbed by ‘Precious’ because it is simply one more depiction of black women as pathologically abused and abusing. Further, it is not just the subject matter of the movie that concern black women, it’s this troubling fact: what other images or stories are being told about black women? BTW, I am invoking the FLOTUS/Condi Rice/Claire Huxtable exclusionary rule.

Some black women were also taken aback by the blatant colorism. Why, in this supposed post-racial country, is black skin color, especially dark black skin color, continually associated with ugliness, brutality, violence, ignorance, and immorality while, lighter skin color is associated with beauty, intellect, kindness, and compassion. That this reprehensible lie is perpetrated by people of color neither diminishes the sting nor excuses the purveyor’s attempt to connote inferiority through the intra-racial shorthand of colorism.

In the realm of movies, how were black women represented in 2009? I’m interested in movies featuring black women, not just where a black woman was the secretary, assistant, housekeeper, or best friend. Can you think of a rom-com or a sci-fi or even quirky indy film where the black woman was the spunky ingénue, or self-absorbed heart-breaker, endearing widow gamely dealing with the loss of her husband, I’d even settle for the evil boss bent on sabotaging the spunky ingénue!!!???

You see this is the point. There is no balance. Just pathology. One movie cannot do justice to the vast mosaic, potpourri, melting pot, fractal image comprising black womanhood. And I’m just referencing black women in America (well the U.S. to be specific).

And just like all those horrid ‘In-the-Hood’ movies only told one story over and over and over again, I fear a wave of ‘black women pathology’ will be the only lens through which Hollywood or the rest of the nation views black women.

This is not good for the Black Woman Brand.

Peace

Do You Like Me? Yes or No….Please Check One

2009-11-14T21:30:00.000-08:00

How does one determine if someone really likes you? Not just likes you, but LIKES you, likes you. Not as a platonic friend, but as a potential ‘love interest’ for lack of a better term.

Apparently, you can’t just ask the person! Well, you can, but that might scare them off.

A hypothetical situation:

You sign up to attend a workshop; let’s say a 10-week gourmet cooking course. At the first session, you see a very attractive guy who is also taking the class. You smile at him he smiles at you and you engage in small talk with him and other classmates. The first session is over and you say your goodbyes/see you next class. He’s good-looking, friendly, and likes to cook! Is he married? Dating? Single? He’s not wearing a wedding ring. What’s going on with him?

At the next session he is there again smiling, making (non-creepy) eye contact, he makes sure he talks to you specifically (sans other classmates) during a break or two, which you notice he does not do with any of the other ladies in the class. The conversation is respectful and he does not hit on you. You could like him, if he’s single and interested in you, but you don’t know what he’s thinking. Maybe he’s just really gregarious, a great conversationalist and not interested in you at all.

Session three you are paired with another classmate on a cooking project, Even though he is paired with someone else, he makes it a point to talk to you. He’s nice to your partner but it’s clear you are the ‘B’ in the ‘A/B’ conversation. As he did in session #2 he talks to you during the breaks, during which he makes several ‘I’ statements. “I bought a great set of knives while I was out Saturday.” “I am going on vacation next month.” “I can’t wait to get to Spain.” He doesn’t mention a wife or children. Is he making conversation or is he trying to let you know he is single? Is he an extrovert who loves to talk or is he interested in you and trying to suss out if you might be interested in him?

How do you determine what; if anything; is going on?

What You Would Like to Do:

Wouldn’t you love to ask?

“Are you married?”
“Are you engaged or dating someone?”
“Are you interested in me?”

Why can’t you ask those questions?! It’s what you want to know! Isn’t the direct route the best way to get to where you want to go? No gamesmanship, no ‘playing hard-to-get’ or whatever; direct communication.

I’ll tell you why, because you’ll sound crazy and slightly stalker-like.

I am not saying honesty is not a good thing. It’s just that most people like the game, the subterfuge, the hunt, the chase, all that crap.

So you don’t ask, instead you…..

What You Actually Do:

You keep the conversation superficial because you worry if you try to get deeper you might scare the guy off. You talk about this week’s cooking assignment, last week’s cooking assignment, next week’s cooking assignment. It’s the third session, so you’ve already discussed what you both do for a living, perhaps it’s safe to detour into something more personal.

But what kind of conversational gymnastics must you perform to find out if the guy is married without asking him is he married? Oh…and NOT appear nosy and/or desperate?

Anyone? Anyone?

It seems to me discovering whether or not someone likes you, likes you is rather like hunting; you must employ stealth and cunning in order to bag your deer or moose or whatever heck you’re out in the woods looking for.

*Deep sigh*

Remember in elementary school. The Love Note. You remember the love note!!

I like you. Do you like me? Please check one.
__Yes
__No

Simple. Straightforward. And not necessarily for the faint-of-heart.

Why can’t we do this as adults?

Peace

Singularity….Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me?

2009-10-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or do most people believe it sucks to be single if you are a woman? Especially women.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Is being single and childfree like having an infectious disease which must be eradicated? Kind of like small pox.

Does single/childfree = disease; and therefore cure = marriage?

First Class

In my experience, women who are married with children are heralded as ‘real’ women. It is assumed all women everywhere want two things: to be married and to have children. The women who succeed in this ‘biological objective’ of attaining marriage and subsequently produce offspring within the marriage, despite the motives for either the marriage or having children, are considered ‘winners’.

Reasons for marriage vary from person to person and couple to couple and range from love and unplanned pregnancy to fear of being alone, the inability to live independently, or the mistaken belief that marriage will magically solve existing relationship problems. Likewise, the reason for having children range from the child being a living breathing expression of the deep love and commitment between two people and/or religious reasons to immaturity, selfishness, and the mistaken belief that having a child will magically solve existing problems in the marriage.

Whatever the reasons for the marriage, society enforces the belief that women who marry enjoy first class status in the female hierarchy.

Second Class

Women who are married without children or have children without marriage, are considered a ‘real’ woman though, clearly, you have issues. Women, who are married and do not have or want children, are considered selfish, myopic, and vain. Women who have children out of wedlock are promiscuous, immoral, etc. The various and sundry reasons for marriage and/or childbearing apply here also. On top of which are the value judgments regarding women who are married without children or have had children outside of marriage.

Still, such women demonstrate some level of acceptance of societal dictates and fall into the second tier of the female hierarchy.

You Are Not a 'Real' Woman

I have encountered the following belief:

If you are not married, you are less of a woman. If your choice is to be childfree, then something is wrong with you. What ‘real’ woman doesn’t want to have children?

Aaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!

A Thought Experiment:
Suppose the vast majority of women on the planet, let’s say 90 percent, wish to be married (this presupposes a population with 100 percent heterosexuality), that leaves 10 percent of women worldwide who do not wish to be married. Consequently, it cannot be asserted all women wish to be married. The majority yes, but a significant minority does not. Of the 90 percent of women around the world who desire marriage, is it reasonable to believe all of those women will marry? No.

If we imagine half the population of the world is male then we can expect 10 percent of the males will not wish to marry. We know a significant number of the 90 percent of men who wish to marry; let’s be conservative and say an additional 6 percent of the total population of men; will be unavailable for marriage due to mental/psychological issues, incarceration, drug abuse, etc. This means 16 percent of the female population will not marry.
End Experiment

My point in the above is: should a single/childfree woman be harangued and marginalized and stigmatized and demeaned for her choice? Should a woman who desires marriage but is not yet married for any number of reasons be relegated to third class status? Is being single and childfree, whether by choice or circumstance, a problem to be solved?

I am no longer comfortable with the way singlehood (is that a word?) is framed. There isn’t anything wrong with a person deciding, all things being equal, to pursue life without partnering.

‘You must be doing something wrong’, is a common perception. A common misperception and a common negative frame placed on single people. I cannot wait to see what the next US Census reveals about the state of singlehood in America.

Hey, yeah, CNN could do a special report on being single, just like they did Black in America…… Pauses…. Ponders….

Oh. Yeah. Never mind.

Peace

Ignorance Is Not Bliss….Part 1: Breast Cancer

2009-10-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

The Ignorance

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you.”

“If I don’t go to the doctor, he/she can’t find anything wrong.”

Ladies, ignorance is not a good look, ghetto fantasies and hood foolishness aside.

The Information

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!

Ladies (and the Gentlemen-Who-Love-You) if you are not informed about breast health, then this article is for you. First things first, get thee to the following websites for more in-depth information regarding breast cancer.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure (Komen)
ww5.komen.org

American Cancer Society (ACS)
www.cancer.org

US Department of Health and Human Services
www.womenshealth.gov

AA women have a lower incidence of cancer by population, meaning fewer AA women get breast cancer than white women (the incidence is higher for AA women under 40!!!!). Alarmingly, AA women die from breast cancer more often than any other population of women. Studies suggest issues such as access to screening; inadequate to non-existent medical follow-up of abnormal mammography results; lack of awareness of breast cancer screening in the AA population; as well as the biology of the cancer (i.e. more aggressive tumors and detection at later stage) contributes to the disturbing fact that AA women die more often from breast cancer.

A couple of years ago I watched a television documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer. It is on Discovery Health Channel and I believe it is on multiple times in October. Crazy Sexy Cancer is a documentary about being diagnosed with cancer, going through the trauma and fear of the diagnosis, treatment, and survival from the point of view of woman who was diagnosed. A must see.

I also recently happened to catch Breast Cancer Examined: An African American Perspective on TVOne. I rarely watch TVOne, but this one hour documentary is worth watching!! The documentary focused on AA women and their distinct issues relating to breast cancer. Again AA women tend to have more aggressive types of cancer like HER2 and Triple Negative breast Cancer. Another must see program.

The Strategy

Breast Self-exam

A self-examination is performed by you on a monthly basis! You are the first responder when it comes to your health. It is important for you to know what is normal for you. Most women have some degree of density change in the breast tissue on a monthly cycle. Get to know your own breasts so you can more easily identify changes needing additional evaluation by a health care provider. Early detection produces the best results. Please visit the Komen website for detailed information (video) regarding how to conduct the exam.

Clinical Breast Exam

A clinical breast examination is performed by doctors, nurse practitioners, or other trained medical staff. Komen and ACS recommend a clinical breast examination once every three years for women between the ages of 20–39. The recommended frequency changes to once a year when a woman reaches the age of 40.

Mammography

Mammograms are a screening tool using X-rays to create a visual image of the breast and is used to find signs of breast cancer such as tumors, small clusters of calcium deposits, and abnormal skins changes. A mammogram takes about 15 minutes. Komen and the ACS recommend annual mammograms for women starting at the age of 40.

I know what you’re going to say. Mammograms hurt. I have had a mammogram annually for the past 5 years or so, and any discomfort I have is minimal. Having my blood drawn is more ‘painful’ than having a mammogram. Be aware your breasts are more likely to be tender during the week before your period, so it is suggested not to schedule an exam at this time.

Ahem, breast implants are not a reason to skip annual mammograms.

Now, if you don’t conduct monthly self-examinations or you are not having mammography done on a regular basis (see above); then here are some warning signs of breast cancer:

Lump or hard knot or thickening
Swelling, warmth, redness, or darkening
Change in the size or shape of the breast
Dimpling or puckering of the skin
Itchy, scaly, soreness or rash on the nipple
Pulling in of your nipple or other parts of the breast
Nipple discharge that starts suddenly
New pain in one spot that does not go away

If you have any of these symptoms you must see your health care provider immediately. If you don’t have a health care provider, visit the emergency room.

I am completely serious.

Detected early, breast cancer responds amazingly well to treatment. Currently AA women’s five-year breast cancer survival rate is 77 percent. For white women the survival rate is 90 percent. Only Native American women fare worse than AA women. We (AA women) can and must do better with regard to screening and early detection.

Ignorance = Death

We need to discuss breast cancer and other health issues openly and honestly. Stigma, shame, fears are all excuses we use to stay in denial. Denial can kill you.

Facing the reality of early diagnosis and early intervention means your chances of survival increase dramatically and you will live as a cancer survivor!

Staying in denial means that when you are diagnosed what you fear most, death, will be an all too real prognosis.

Peace

Friends, Romans, Acquaintances

2009-10-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

Friends

I have (and have had) friends of many different cultures, backgrounds colors, AfAmer, East Asian, Chinese, Latino, Continental African, Arabic, White. What bonds/bonded us was common values. I am not going all ‘family values’ on you, what I mean is we seem to value the some of the same things, like positive energy, diversity, the willingness to move beyond comfort zones and labels, and curiosity.

I have a great group of friends in my life right now. Mostly female, but I am working on acquiring a male friend or two. While all of us don’t have the same race, country of origin, or even generational background; what we share is a similar spirit. Or perhaps it’s a similar perspective.

Notice how I used the word similar, not same.

Same is defined as identical.

Similar is defined as nearly, but not exactly the same.

Most of my friends live in the same geographical area as I do. One or two live in other states. I have even made the acquaintance of/possible friendship with at least one person while blogging.

Friends are a great to have but true friendship, like great wine, takes time. (I don’t drink, so I am relying on marketing here.)

Romans

I have discovered having the same ‘race’ or skin color means absolutely nothing has far as friendship is concerned.

Previously I labored under the assumption most black people were…you know… about the same thing, getting an education (or training) so one would have greater opportunities in relation to jobs, housing, and what not. My immediate family does not have an abundance (or any for that matter) people who are trying to ‘get over’. My people go to work and work hard for what the get.

I notice my friends (color notwithstanding) are the same way (unless someone is deep undercover). They work. Nobody scams or grifts or whatever other term used for beating people out of their money. So no mortgage loan officers, home refinance officers, congresspersons, or lobbyists. Okay one lobbyist….but he’s more of an acquaintance.

Betrayal of trust is a hard pill to swallow. Harder still when the betrayal comes from someone you thought you could trust. Trust is not something you should extended without contemplation and observation. You must determine, prior to accepting someone as a friend, what this person brings to your life. Is it positivity or negativity? Is it mutual growth or foolishness and mayhem? Is it steadfast friendship or a constant diet of ‘Confessions of a Drama Queen’?

Remember: Brutus was a Roman citizen too.

Acquaintances

These are people you kind-of-know. You would speak to them if you saw them at a restaurant, but you might not ask them to hang out with you at the restaurant. Nothing negative mind you, you just are not friends.

Oh, and the random strangers you 'friend' on the various and sundry social networks…..are not your friends. I’m not completely excluding blogs, though that situation can be different, especially if you communicate outside of the blog. What I’m talking about are the people you have never met and don’t communicate with regularly in any form, that you accept as a 'friend' on a social network. This person is not a friend. It’s someone you acknowledged on a social network!!

Acquaintances are not people you share person information with. Can an acquaintance become a friend? Certainly, given time and energy by the both of you.

Peace

Life, Me, and the Muslim Bushido

2009-09-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

Life

My life has had a bump or two recently. The bumps will be reflected in a couple of my upcoming posts. Nothing major or life-threatening has happened mind you, just an occurrence or two which left me a wee bit sad and somewhat disillusioned. Friends, assumptions, etc…

Me

I have been hecka busy for the last two or three weeks. Most of my time has been taken up training for a 5 mile charity run. Then there’s the time I have put in on my professional life: adding new classes to my schedule and professional training and study. Whew!!! Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining! I am grateful for the abundance in my life on a daily basis.

Muslim Bushido

My blog sister Khadija posted her last essay on her fabulous blog today! {getting very weeping}

muslimbushido@blogspot.com

Her blog remains a must read because of her insight, foresight, knowledge, wisdom, and plain old good advice. I am truly sad to see her blog end but I am grateful for the seeds she planted with me. If I had not encountered her blog, I don’t know that I would have ever started my own. {deep bows of gratitude}

You have nourished us (bw bloggers) and now (hopefully) we can return the favor. {major positive energy flowing in your direction}

Peace

Images, Ideas, and BWE

2009-09-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Aren’t epiphanies great?!?!

I’ve seen this basic question more than once on the internetz: Why do BWE exist? What’s the point?

I thought about the answer to this question for a while. This is my response.

Black Women’s Empowerment (BWE) blogs exist because:

They are necessary.

Someone must disseminate life saving information to bw.

Our voices, thoughts, and solutions need to be documented.

Someone must deconstruct and negate the constant barrage of negative images and energy targeting bw.

(The above list is not exhaustive)

BWE blogs exist to refute poisonous ideas like:

Black women who create and/or visit these blogs are bitter because they don’t know how to get and keep a black man.

Dark/brown-skinned women are mad because black men don’t choose them.

Dark/brown-skinned women who date/marry out are self-hating.

Other men (non-black) don’t really want black women, they are the last resort.

Black women are to blame for the state of ‘black love’.

Black women are too picky and too bossy and want too much from black men.

Black women need to stop picking thugs and felons and choose ‘regular’ black men.

BWE blogs exist to let you know when you see or hear this foolishness, know it for what it is – a method of control, a mind game, gas lighting, brainwashing – call it what you want but understand the purpose; to control you!

Most importantly, remember none of this is true. Certainly not of all bw! It does not reflect who you are! Don’t feature these lies for a moment!

Images

Pictures of beautiful black woman confirm and affirm that yes, black women are beautiful in our multitudinous colors, shapes, and sizes.

Pictures of black women with other men teach us there are other options available to bw if we would just open our eyes and our minds.

Pictures of black women being our selves; nappy or straight hair, wide nose or pointy nose, full lips or thin, from the darkest dark to lightest light, we are an amazing continuum of beauty.

Seeing ourselves as intelligent, worthy of adoration, loving and loved is balm for the wounded psyche of bw. These images are HEALING. These images deprogram the brainwashing engaged in by the music industry and mass media, which, more often than not, depict bw as prostitutes, strippers, or as sexualized sub-humans. It is no small wonder bw have issues around beauty and self-worth.

Positive images on websites such as Evia’s allow us to remember we are lovable and worth being loved. Evia’s was the first website I encountered talking about quality relationships and expanding one’s view to encompass the entire globe when considering a mate. Her essays teach us, remind us, tell us, perhaps for the first time; you have the right to live well. You have the right to be loved and valued as a whole human being of quality. And you have the right to love a whole human being of quality. Settling is not an option.

Her fabulous website is: blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com

Evia’s blog serves as a lighthouse offering another option for women seeking life affirming choices.

Blogs like this are necessary to counter the number of blogs/video blogs propagating the ‘black-woman-it-sucks-to-be-you’ narrative. The level of anger and hate on these blogs (and I am not referencing the racist websites!!) is just staggering. The people who produce this information are not content to have their blog as a venue to spread their vitriol. Oh no! They feel the need to transplant their hatred to other people’s blogs! They come to BWE sites! Sites geared not to the masses but to a particular subsection of the population, in an attempt to wreak havoc and shut down conversation.

They use various means to take commenters off-topic or post hateful, hate-filled comments designed to create chaos on the blog. I’ve visited a couple of blogs like this and even if the original post is interesting and worth discussing, reading all the hate and chaos flowing down thread, I saw no point in leaving a comment.

Ideas

Your thoughts shape you reality. For better or for worse.

What you think or whether or not you think is a function you control. You are perfectly within your rights to allow someone else to think for you. Free will is free will. Should you decide you would rather have someone else in control of your life (that way you have someone to blame when things don’t work out) instead of exercising control yourself, go for it.

It appears we (the black community – though this is a trait of all people) love, love, love to follow a leader. Specifically, a male leader, whether the leader is a preacher or rapper or actor or activist, it seems we just want to follow. Don’t get me wrong, belonging to a group is human nature, we are social animals. However, when the group you belong to is engaged in destructive insane behavior, you have a choice. Continue to follow or forge your own trail.

Just because a significant number of AA females engage in risky sexual behavior does not mean I am going to do the same. Why not? Uumm, because sexually transmitted diseases remain as communicable as ever.

And in case you don’t know, there is still no cure for AIDS.

And for the love of Pete, don’t even try to pull Magic Johnson out of the hat (pretty good pun on a couple of levels), most people don’t have his wealth or his health; he is the exception, NOT THE RULE!!

***Woo, okay, I kinda went there…..but I’m back.***

Some people love it when they can dictate to you what your ideas must be. Those same people detest it when you decide to have ideas of your own. This is why so many people; male and female; are up in arms about BWE blogs.

A prime example (IMO) of the power of critical thought is Khadija’s though-provoking website: muslimbushido.blogspot.com

Khadija drops the knowledge on the regular! Her topics run the gamut, from disaster/survival preparedness to spotting IITs (Internet Ike Turners - giving Khadija her props for that one - Brilliant!!!!). I read her blog every time I power up my computer, knowing the latest post will challenge me and make me think. And it’s not just Khadija who provides knowledge and insight on her blog; the people who show up to discuss her content are fierce too! Even when I don’t comment, I take away wisdom.

I gravitate to blogs like this, because they encourage, no, inspire critical thinking. Khadija’s is not a feel good, kumbaya ( I don’t mean that in a bad way either) blog, her essays respect the intelligence of the reader while stimulating conversation. Even when commenters have differing perspectives, the conversation doesn’t degenerate into, well, chaos and foolishness.

BWE

Not every BWE blog is the same. Which is a good thing; not every woman is the same. Each blog reaches the women it needs to reach, by speaking to her in a manner she understands, in a voice that resonates with her. Every woman needs a space of her own. A place where she can think, and express ideas, give voice to (or type) those thoughts she knows it’s not prudent to say out loud in her everyday life.

BWE blogs are a virtual ‘room of one’s own’. A place where women empower other women to respect themselves; respect their space; and respect their ability to think and reason.

I know why BWE blogs exist: to help, to educate, to remind and to confirm you(black woman) are not alone.

Peace

Is She Is or Is She Ain’t – The Real Story

2009-08-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… as long as you’re looking at (enter ubiquitous actress/singer/model here __________________).

You are beautiful if you are thin.
You are beautiful if you have long straight or wavy hair.
You are beautiful if you have light(er) skin.
You are beautiful if you have light-colored eyes.
You are beautiful if your nose isn’t too wide.
You are beautiful if your lips aren’t too thick.
You are beautiful if you hips aren’t too wide.
You are beautiful if your muscles aren’t too defined.
You are beautiful if you aren’t too tall.
You are beautiful if your features are more euro-centric.

Manufactured, commercial beauty attained through the liberal application of make-up, lighting, implants, elective surgery, Photoshop, CGI, and what ever else the media/celebrity industry utilizes to create and enforce this unrealistic beauty ideal is accepted by we-the-people seemingly unchallenged.

Let’s get one thing straight. The celebrity culture – from movies and television to the internetz and print – is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the media industry. The media industry exists to sell products. Period.

Beauty in this country is commercial and is all about the surface. Don’t waste time looking for depth, it does not exist.

What you see is all there is.

Alas, such is the nature of commercial beauty.

I have read quite a few reports regarding Caster Semenya of South Africa. I have looked at the pictures of her winning the 800 meter race. I watched a post-race interview. I have read various and sundry blog posts and comments about the controversy. I don’t know what the so-called ‘gender testing’ results will or will not confirm. What I do know is, it is not out of the realm of possibility for Semenya to be who she says she is – a woman.

A lot of the commenters surmised since she has killer abs (yep she sure does!), muscular legs, pipes (aka biceps) to die for, she must be a man. Does anyone look at muscle, fitness or running magazines? I ask because a friend of mine and I were looking in a runner’s magazine and one of the pictures was a runner in a tankini and running shorts, we could not tell if the runner was male or female because the body fat was nearly 0. No breasts (that we could clearly discern), defined muscular legs, six-pack o’ abs… I did the Adam’s apple check – she didn’t have one – so I said she is a she. She did not have any body fat, which is what composes hips and breasts.

Commenters say Semenya has masculine facial features. Uhm, is just me or hasn’t that been the story about black women since before the first slave ship landed in this hemisphere? Can't you just see the advertisements?

African females! They look black men, they work like black men and they can reproduce!!!! Talk about return on investment!!

**Danger of Dripping Sarcasm**

Heaven help a woman if she falls outside the very narrow confines of female beauty as defined by the Beauty Industry Complex; add race and a history of objectification and violence; mix in the numerous lies, rumors, distortions, etc. about black women’s bodies and sexuality…….forget about it!!

The sad thing about this situation is, should the results of the so-called tests determine Ms. Semenya is genetically female, it will not matter to the media or its consumers.

Ms. Semenya has been defined as an unattractive woman. This judgment will reflect on black womanhood.

It will reflect negatively if we join the peanut gallery and vilify and dehumanize her based on her looks.

It will reflect positively if we embrace her as part of the beauty spectrum.

Even if one determines Ms. Semenya is not conventionally attractive, she is still human and deserves basic human respect and dignity.

Peace

Whose Life is it Anyway?

2009-08-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Does the ranting by the mis-informed and slightly crazed ideological right look familiar?

“I don’t want this country becoming a socialist country! I want my country back!”

“They’ll have death panels! The government will decide who lives and who dies!”

“I don’t want bureaucrats making decisions about my healthcare!”

Death panels. *big sigh*

Really. *right eyebrow raised in skepticism*

I have two words for you. Critical. Thinking.

The above is what happens when you taking someone else’s word for what is going on, rather than finding out for yourself.

I know. I know what you’re saying.

“Finding out for myself takes too much work. I’d have to research every single issue.

I’d have to access more than one source of information so that I could make a decision based on my own information gathering ability and contemplation of the available facts.

In other words DBC(your friendly neighborhood blog diva) I’d have to think!

And who wants to do that!”

Uuuhmm, duh!?!?

I am, of course, leading you down the garden path; my main topic is not the rancorous wrestlemania event cleverly disguised as a health care scream-athon.

Oh no my sisters……

My aim is to get you to question the places in your life where you accept another person’s spin with regard to some aspect of your life. Whether it is housecleaning, employment, where to live, education, RELATIONSHIPS, childrearing, religion, etc.

I could go on but I won’t. Why don’t we break down one of the issues listed above? What to discuss, what to discuss?????

Oh, I know, relationships!

Not relationships in general, but one slice of the ginormous relationship pie.

There is not a shortage of men. The available dating pool is deeper than most black women think. I am not advocating women settle for someone not on the same level as themselves. A simplistic example: if one is single; I do not advocate settling for a man who is married. What I am talking about is not limiting oneself to a particular population of men. Another simplistic example: if one is looking only for men who are six foot one inch; the pool of available men is limited by this choice. Now if one is open to considering men in the range of six foot three inches to five foot six inches, the pool of available men increases tremendously!

The same goes for color difference. If one is open to dating men who are not the same color, then the pool of available men increases! In my opinion, high-quality men of any color must be considered, despite what other people may think, say, or believe. A good man is a good man-- granted, we need to clarify the definition of a good man.

The opinions and thoughts of other people should never replace your own carefully considered opinions. This is your life! You get to choose how you move through the world!

Being open to men of different colors does not mean one is anti-anything. It does not mean your thoughts about race and color issues are negated because you are open to men of different colors.

If you aren’t open to men of other colors, cool.

If you are open to men of other colors, also cool. Don’t be afraid or shamed into silence or inaction.

If women are free to date only one color of man with pride, then why can’t other women be free to date men of any color with just as much pride?

Peace

Sacrifice, Health Care & You….

2009-08-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

Let’s say you are not in the best of health. You are overweight, have high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. You cannot walk very far without feeling your heart race and getting short of breath.

Let’s say all of the above was true for you a year ago and your doctor told you, you need to change your diet and lose weight.

Let’s say last month you had a ‘cardiac episode’ which caused you to go to the emergency room. After an exhaustive round of tests it is determined you have congestive heart failure. It is at this moment you decide to stop eating fried chicken on an almost-daily-basis and really try to change your diet, because now you life really does depend on these and other health-related choices.

And then you complain about the cost of health care in the U.S.

(Related with a straight face as this is not a joke.)

This person knew a year ago, a year ago, they were overweight, with blood pressure and cholesterol issues. This person was told by the doctor to change their behavior regarding food and weight. The person decided it was too hard to give up fast food fried chicken. The result of this choice; by a person who is an adult; may be the premature end of their life! Congestive heart failure is no joke.

There are times when we must make sacrifices. Sometimes those sacrifices involve giving up things we enjoy. Or something we are used to; a thought pattern, behavior, belief, or even greasy fried foods. Unhealthy thought patterns/behaviors can lead one down the path to poor health the same way eating fast food fried chicken can.

Is there a place in your life where you are refusing to address an issue that has been identified by you or those you trust as a problem? Are you holding on to a belief or a relationship that is demonstrably unhealthy? Are you afraid to let go of the belief because it will lead you to question other reflexive beliefs? Are you holding onto a damaging relationship because you are afraid of being alone?

When you have fore knowledge of unhealthy, negative situations in your life and you take no action; can you be surprised at the results? Can you honest lay the blame at someone else’s door?

Who is responsible for your life? Your choices? Your mistakes? Your success?

Peace

An Inconvenient Truth

2009-08-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

Of the many wars being waged across the globe, none is more crucial than the war men have engaged against women. In any war, the party attacked is obliged, at the very least, to defend itself from the onslaught. This is what’s happening in our country today. While the war may be a stealthy, guerilla-type affair in the larger society; in the AA community, it’s an all-out, take-no-prisoners, shoot-first-and-don’t-ask-questions shooting war.

Who initiated the war? What was the reason the war started? The response differs depending on who you ask.

Feminism vs Patriarchy
Restrictive vs Permissive
Male vs Female
Liberation vs Repression
Civil Rights vs Jim/Jane Crow

Power and privilege concede nothing without a fight. Whether the rights a given group of people are fighting for are basic human rights or rights guaranteed by the constitution/amendments; those in power are not likely to stand idly by while what they perceive as the proper order is overturned.

The Personal

This brings me to the relationships between bm and bw.

Why is it okay for a man to be supported by a woman?

Why is it acceptable for a man to have multiple children with multiple women?

Why is it okay for a woman to bear the burden of raising children alone?

Women, why is it acceptable to date and sleep with convicts, parolees, criminals, and thugs?

Why do women allow themselves to be a part of a harem (sleeping with a man when you know the man is married, in relationship with, or sleeping with another woman)?

Why are these questions a part of our new world order?

Ladies, why do we accept this behavior? Are we that afraid of being single? Are we afraid we will be considered unattractive if we’re not sleeping with some man? Do we not value ourselves? Aren’t we worth more than this?

The answer to the last question is YES!

This post is not an attempt to male bash. This post is an attempt to open our (bw/bg) eyes! Loving yourself and looking out for yourself, and ensuring you have the best this life can offer is not about hating men or hating other women.

Honestly, other people aren’t important! YOU are important! You must want better for yourself!

What is better?

A man who respects you has a human being and a lady. (Ahem, you must actually behave like a lady…..)

A man who understands his mission is to provide a safe environment for you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

A man who loves his life and who is thrilled and humbled you are a part of his life.

A man who understands it is not his job to oppress you; rather it is his job to partner with you.

A man who is honest and would never put you in danger.

A man who deals with his anger in a constructive manner.

A man who does not hit you.

A man who can commit himself to you. Period.

A man who; if children are desired by you both; will be a positive role model of how a man behaves, not only for your son, but most importantly for your daughter.

It is imperative to have a high-quality, loving relationship with yourself and with your significant other. What you practice in your home will be the template for what your children do in their own lives. Surely you want more for your children than the continuation of toxic, dysfunctional, and straight-up insane relationships. If so, demand better. From yourself and from your relationship.

You teach people how to treat you. When you allow disrespect, foolishness, and violence that is what you will get.

(Neither list is exhaustive. I will post more on behavior in a forthcoming post.)

The Political

Black women in this country occupy a unique position. We experience life outside of the white power structure and the male power structure. Movements demanding human right whether they are civil or women’s wanted to include us because they needed our energy, intellect, our very presence, while simultaneously marginalizing us because of our gender and race. Black women lent there considerable muscle to the civil right movement and to the women’s rights movements, yet found ourselves invisible when it came to the fruits of those movements. The women’s movements continue to have unresolved issues of race; the civil rights movement continues has unresolved issues of gender.

Historically, bw have hitched their wagon to the star of women’s rights and the star of civil rights. We need our own star. I believe one of the facets of our star is the empowerment blogs; by black women for the education, empowerment, and enlightenment of black women. These think tanks, forums, and safe spaces are much needed: (1) to let like-minded women know others with a similar mindset exist; (2) to create networks for disseminating information; and (3) to establish an alternate media/news source.

It has been stated (far better) in other blogs that bw must gain control our image, our brand. This we must do. Will there be haters? Oh yes. Will there be saboteurs? Heck-to-the-yes.

Are we worth the fight? Abso-flipping-lutely!!!

Peace

What I Really Want to Know Is……

2009-08-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

Monday was my birthday and a couple of news items caused me to contemplate what women are thinking in relation to men.

Some woman in Utah, desperate to get her life together, put some household items up for sale on the internetz; one of those items was/is her husband. Among other things, he is unfaithful and she his sick and tired of taking care of his 30-year-old self.

Then there is yet another news item about the death of a child at the hands of an unrelated male. This 6-year-old child was allegedly beaten to death by his mother’s ex-boyfriend. According to the news report the 6-year-old and his younger sister were living with the ex-boyfriend because the mother could not afford to care for them. The biological father, who lives in Oregon, hadn’t seen the boy since he was a baby. The mother, who lives in the same city, hadn’t seen the boy in a month. The ex-boyfriend had a serious criminal history.

What I really want to know is what were these women thinking?

It is not likely the Utah husband had recently devolved from a hard-working, faithful man into a lazy, slovenly, fidelity-challenged guy. The wife probably knew he was this way when she married him. And she married him anyway.

The mother of the 6 year-old more than likely had knowledge of the criminal past of her ex-boyfriend when she placed her two children with him. And she left them with this criminal anyway!

I’m sure these guys did not bother to hide their failings and criminality from these women.

Is is just me or.....

Isn't the logical outcome of marrying a lazy womanizer likely to be you will end up being sole financial support in the relationship; a relationship endlessly compromised by his infidelity?

Isn't it reasonable to conclude that you might be putting your minor children in jeopardy by placing them in the custody of a man with an extensive criminal record?

What were they thinking?!

Peace

Critical Thinking 101

2009-07-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

There is a wonderful conversation going on at a blog I read regularly regarding what values do we hold close and what those values are rooted in. My post was about the practice of compassion. The blog owner asked me to define compassion since some people use the term as an explanation or excuse for inaction, accepting poor treatment, and embracing victimhood.

Beginning of response:

I base my practice of compassion based on what I’ve read and interpreted from thinkers such as Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Thomas Merton, and Thich Nat Hahn; Christian religious tradition; a wonderfully liberal Catholic priest (sadly he retired); my family; my yoga practice and studies; and my interactions with people on a daily basis. Also, I read a great deal, fiction and non-fiction, and I gather information from those sources as well.

Compassionate action expresses itself differently in different people. The same way love is expressed differently from one person to the next. To me there is no one way to live a compassionate life. Some examples of my practice are my intent to live in a non-violent (physically, emotionally, verbally) manner; to do no harm to myself or to any one else; to honor and respect myself and others; to see other people shine and not feel diminished or envious.

Compassion does not mean I am a doormat, slave, or sucker. I haven’t suspended my good judgment, critical thinking abilities, or dispensed with wise counsel. It does not mean I am in the “save alla our people” business either. I chose not to pursue this route not because I am angry or defeated or exhausted from trying to save people who don’t want to listen, but rather, where I have given honest effort from a place of love, what more can be done? If people don’t listen then, okay, I’ve done my best. I am not willing to destroy myself trying to save someone else. I will not allow someone to mistreat, use, or abuse me. The trust and respect I give in a relationship is the trust and respect that must be returned. If is not, then I change/end the relationship; not out of anger or spite but because to continue the relationship in its current form is harmful to me.

My practice of compassion is not just outwardly directed. In fact, my compassion is mostly directed toward myself. I do not know if it is possible to completely love and accept other people if I do not love and accept me. I am working on not allowing myself to stress out over what I cannot change --- others. I have lived that experience. I shall not repeat it. That is how I was introduced to my personal limits. I finally listened to my still small voice [well, during a panic attack…but hey at least I listened :-) ].

Each person has to define their own limits. Thich Nat Hahn’s limits are waaaaay different from mine. He’s a good person. I am a good person.

After deciding on cultivating compassion, I can tell the difference in my life. What and who manifests in my life now is 1000% more positive and loving and joyful than what used to show up. My practice is rooted in what I have encountered on my journey thus far and in my ‘Being-ness’ or ‘Authentic self’ or ‘Who I Truly Am’ or ‘Soul’.

For me compassion is not a generalized term. Compassion is a value. Compassion is not a slogan or some vague term. Compassion is a daily practice and lived experience.

End of response.

I regard compassion as a verb indicating action, not as an adjective implying hopelessness. Compassion is not powerlessness. Compassion is not about defining yourself as a victim. Compassion is having the strength to stand up to injustice. Compassion is the hard work of remaining true to who you are even when it would be easier to betray yourself and behave like some else.

It is important bw/bg define terms like compassion, friendship, honesty, and integrity. We must not merely repeat them, we must truly know what these terms mean to us. Not for approval by someone outside of ourselves, but for ourselves alone.

Let's get to work......

PTSD- Real Life Damage….. But Spare Me the Excuses

2009-07-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

I was reading blog post by a male blogger, he’s a lawyer from the sound of it, a public defender to be more exact. Mr. Blogger Guy mentioned how one of his clients said he was suffering from PTSD due to living in the ‘hood and was, therefore, unable to work. *left eyebrow raise*

Mr. Blogger Guy and the commenters pondered whether PTSD from ‘hood life was an actual medical condition. Many agree ‘hood life often resembled a war zone; a conclusion the female empowerment bloggers have already reached.

What I found interesting is, to whatever degree this gentlemen may be suffering from PTSD, his not being able to hold a job was not challenged! I will admit I am not current on how PTSD impacts an individual’s life, perhaps the veterans returning home from Iraq are so profoundly affected by PTSD that it interferes with one (or more) of the major life activities (which includes working). If so, that is an identifiable disability.

Can the same be said of the effects of ‘hood living? Maybe not, maybe so.

My Mom moved us out when I was in the seventh grade. Except for a brief stint in a middle class, majority black neighborhood after the end of my military service, I have not lived in a majority black neighborhood in almost fifteen years. Consequently, I have no direct experience of the hazards of living in the ‘hood.

What I understand to be the dangers for the people living in these conditions come from work and the news media. I have watched/heard/read stories about drug dealers, drive-bys, prostitution, interpersonal/domestic violence, child neglect, addiction, home invasions, the list is endless. I can see how it is likely that a person living in these conditions must experience some level of trauma, even if the trauma is not acknowledged by the person experience daily ‘hood life.

That said there are a lot of women and children living in these environments. The women who go to work (when work is available) do so because they have to support their children. The children who go to school (not all of the children eligible to attend actually go or are made to attend) sometimes do so at risk to their safety.

Why can’t Blogger Guy’s client find and keep a job? If anyone is going to man-up and handle a tough situation like ‘hood life, wouldn’t you expect it to be a male person over 21 years of age?

Perhaps I am being too critical. To me it sounded like the Blogger Guy’s client was using PTSD as a convenient rational for not wanting to work. How does he support himself? Parents? Siblings? Wife? Girlfriend(s)? It didn’t sound like he was seeking help for his condition either.

I am blogging about this only to reiterate what other empowerment blogger-divas have already stated. Clearly, the ‘hood is a dangerous place to live and raise children. If this AA male is claiming to be damaged by ‘hood living; what are the implications for women and children?!

Denial, delusion, and burying you head in the sand will not make the facts go away. There is nothing fabulous, ghetto or otherwise, about living in these conditions! If you have a nice apartment in the ‘hood, you still live in the ‘hood!!!

Start making positive steps to get thee out of this situation:

-Create a weekly/monthly financial plan (aka budget) and stick to it!

- Save, save, save! Start a savings account. Even if you only deposit five dollars a week, get in the habit of saving.

-Create a strategic plan for purchases such as clothing, school supplies, etc.

-Know your credit score.

-Use cash only.

-Stop applying for major credit cards and store credit cards.

-Pay down/off credit cards.

-Save (at least three months) for any purchase greater than or equal to 10% of you annual gross income. (This does not include using your savings account!)

-Find a store that offers lay-away.

-Payday loans are not a responsible means of financial planning.

-Learn to delay your gratification. Just because it’s on sale does not mean you need it!

-Spend leisure time away from the mall. Go to the library, go for a walk, visit with family/friends, research home prices and safe neighborhoods.

The above list is not exhaustive. The point is to move ourselves away from mindless consumerism and to a more mindful way of saving and spending what you earn. Being conscious about your money will help you to reign in your spending so you can get what you really need, a safer environment for your children.

Remember wealth is generational. Start (or continue) the cycle in your family.

Peace

Switch Up/Change Up

2009-07-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

Change is good. Especially positive change. I hope the new template makes the blog more reader-friendly. The font is larger and the background is lighter, so I hope it makes the reading easier [if not more interesting ;-) ]

Peace

Sex and the Single Black Woman…(or any woman for that matter)

2009-07-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

“Let’s talk about sex, baby…let’s talk about all the good things & the bad things that may be…” - Salt&Pepper

Is it just me or have some black women lost their minds? Why are black women participating in hook-ups, jump-offs, or any other hyphenated term used to describe casual sex? In 2004, according to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), HIV/AIDS was the leading cause of death for black women between the ages of 25 and 34; the third leading cause for black women 35 and 44; and the fourth leading cause for black women between the ages of 45 and 54!!

Those statistics are nothing if not sobering! Yet some women don’t seem to get the message! Black women are extremely vulnerable to this disease because of our behavior and poor mate selection practices! All the magical thinking in the world will not make HIV go away once you acquire the disease!

Casually speaking:

Why would a woman engage in a hook-up or allow herself to be treated as a ‘jump-off’ without protecting herself? If you are a grown woman and you choose to participate in casual sex that is your business. But why would you have sex without a condom? Why would you voluntarily expose yourself to the myriad sexually transmitted diseases by not practicing safe/safer sex?

Telling yourself, “He doesn’t look sick”, does not negate your responsibility. This is casual sex not a committed relationship! And while you would hope he would be concerned about your health and safety (after all, he is sleeping with you), your health and safety are not his responsibility. That responsibility belongs to you.

Don’t just sing about being grown and sexy, ACT like it!!!!

Fear of a Single Black Female:

Is fear driving so many black women into the arms ….err, beds…. of these clearly unsuitable men? If all a guy wants from you is sex and if all you want from the guy is sex, fine. Get your safe sex on. But if you are trying to turn a jump-off (where did this term come from?) into a long-term relationship, you are destined for disappointment.

Remember, for most men sex and love are not the same thing. Giving him great sex more often times than not will only lead to more sex, not love. Don’t delude yourself. He is not Prince Charming.

If you are a woman who views sex as a commodity; something to be used to get your non-emotional needs met (i.e., money, cars, utility bills paid, whatever), use protection.

If you are a clear-eyed woman who feels she can have sex without the emotional attachment. Why wouldn't you use the same approach with regard to your sexual health?

There is nothing wrong with being single. If this reckless behavior stems from your belief that if you don’t sleep with the guy without protection he will leave you guess what, you are right. But understand, he is going to leave you anyway, condom or no condom. Not requiring him to use protection does not make you seem more wholesome or less experienced. It does, however, make you more likely to get a sexually transmitted disease.

I’ll take being single, celibate and healthy over being single (because you will probably still be single even if you sex him without protection), in denial and infected any day of the week.

Take charge of your sexual health:

Love and value yourself enough to take care of your physical well being.

Buy your own condoms, spermicide, etc.

Make it clear to any guy who wants to get with you that safe sex is mandatory not optional (I don’t care how fine, rich, funny, or healthy-looking he may be).

Don’t sell yourself out. If he says he won’t use protection, show him the door!

Peace

The 'Root' of the Matter...

2009-06-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

The recent articles posted at ‘The Root’ regarding how women should 1) not pass by guys who lack swagger/bank/degrees i.e. President Obama; and 2) not hold black men to the standard of President Obama are confounding to say the least. Many of the comments on the blog are downright depressing.

One blogger wrote how black women over forty should acknowledge the fact the men in their thirties want women in their twenties and men in their forties want women in their thirties. Oh, and to paraphrase the same guy, how men want women who are beautiful, have long hair and look a little exotic……. *blink*

Seriously!!!!

Women who have long hair and look a little exotic ……..just what is he trying to say??!!

Coded much? And not too subtly at that!

This guy chastises women for being to superficial and picky, and then demonstrates; by way of giving advice to women; just how abysmally superficial he is!!!! He also tells women they just have to accept the fact that men like beautiful women.

Beauty is so subjective! I know people point to the usual suspects when it comes to beautiful black women; Halle, Beyonce, etc. But these women are not the length, width and breadth of beautiful black women continuum!

What does a woman do if she doesn’t meet the commercial beauty standard?

Most of the women I know desire a man who is……there. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually present. A man who wants to be in a committed relationship. A man who works. Sorry guys, there is no getting around this one. Most women want a guy who works (though there are some women who don’t mind working outside the home as long as the husband/life partner (for those who don’t want to do the wedding-thing) takes care of the home (childrearing, cooking, cleaning, etc.)). A man who does not sleep around with random women or her friends and family members. For a lot of women fidelity is hella sexy.

Does it go without saying thugs and thug-lites need not apply? Swagger is not appealing to mature women. Confidence yes. Swagger no.

Confidence = being comfortable in your skin; liking who you are as a person; respecting me (others) as a human being; compassion/kindness; ability to demonstrate love through actions/attitudes; being honest; being faithful.

Swagger = exaggerated masculinity; appropriating criminal/convict mentality; being hard, unloving, unkind; reducing women to body parts; being loud and foul-mouthed; disrespecting women, children, elders; being promiscuous/unsafe sex; having a number of children OOW.

Women have to have to have confidence in themselves too. This is not a one way street. I do not advocate men bringing maturity and confidence and decency to the table when the woman has none of these characteristics. This is another part of the problem.

Guys, how about altering your mate selection practices? Instead of always selecting the 'exotically' (I dislike this word) beautiful woman with long hair who may be completely self-absorbed, immature, with an unexamined interior life; how about something new? How about not passing up on women with brown-to-dark skin, non-euro features, and short or natural hair?

There are a lot of brown-skinned, athletic, educated, well-employed, sci-fi loving, jazz (or opera) attending, vegetarian/vegan, nerd-girl types out there. Some of them are over forty too.

Stop blaming and start looking. Stop keeping it real and start actually being real.

Peace

Who's to Blame?

2009-06-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

It’s not his fault, it’s just his preference:

He prefers a slender body type.

He wants a woman who knows how to be a woman.

He prefers to be in charge in the relationship.

He prefers a woman who doesn’t criticize him.

He prefers a woman who is a ‘10’.

He prefers a woman who cooks his meals.

He likes it when a woman treats a man like a man.

He likes a woman who is always supportive of him.

He likes a woman who is not materialistic.

He wants a woman to accept him just the way he is.

From what I’ve read recently these are just some of the preferences of black men have with regard to relationships.

Which gives me pause, because…..if black women are constantly being told to “stop being so picky” or “put away your list of demands” and “you should just settle if you want a relationship”; then why aren’t men being told the same thing?

Is it just me, or isn’t the above mentioned list……well…..a list??

If black women have to give up some percentage of their list to have a relationship, then shouldn’t black men give up an equal percentage?

Well, some men will say, black women have superficial lists.

Really.

All black women.

In the U.S.

Riiight….

With the cloud of blame raining down the mountainside into the valley of black womenhood, black women may wonder what is the answer?

Buy more umbrellas? Build bigger boats?

Nope.

My suggestion. Migrate to another valley.

If, in all your wonderfulness, a man fails to check off all (or even most) of the items on his list (superficial or otherwise)….then keep it moving!!!

Do not. I repeat. Do not stand out in the rain trying to convince, cajole or persuade this guy you are the one for him.

I read somewhere (I really need to stop reading this dude’s blog) that since men will give an attractive women a chance…at sex, she really needs to drop her standards otherwise she will miss out on some decent guys.

*eyes blinking in a bewildered fashion*

Let me get this straight. Women. Need to drop their standards. So that a dud will give her a chance. To have sex with him.

*a really long pause*

(And yes I know I typed ‘dud’, I figured it was a Freudian typo so I left it alone)

Not a chance at a committed relationship or marriage.

Not a chance at seriously seeing where a relationship might go.

Sex.

You might have a chance at sex.

Is that all women should expect?

Seriously??!!!

My main point: Flee quickly from any man who does not desire to be equally yoked; equally involved; work equally as hard; be as equally committed and be as equally faithful in his interactions with you.

R. E. S. P. E. C. T. rhymes with

RECIPROCITY

Peace,

Why I Choose Not To Settle

2009-06-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

In perusing the blogosphere I have encountered (more than once) the notion than besides being angry, materialistic, overweight, emasculating and loud; black women are also too picky. Way too picky for their own good (i.e. biological clock). I have even read a few comments where the guys were a bit too gleeful at the thought of these way-too-picky women ending up at home on a Friday night, or having to hang out with her likewise too picky girlfriends because they wouldn’t give a brother a chance.

I once responded to a blog in reference to adopting a child while not being in a relationship. The blogger felt men where becoming an optional part of a family rather than a necessity. My comment regarded finding yourself beyond your biological ability to have children because the right relationship had not materialized. The blogger’s response to my comment was instead of holding out for whatever I was looking for, maybe I should settle.

I don’t know how that would work. What, I run across a guy who maybe is 60% consistent with what I am looking for and I just forget about the other 40%? I mean I am not talking anything as superficial as: he must be 6 feet 2 inches tall; have a ripped body; be drop dead handsome; drive an expensive car; make mid-six figures; blah, blah, blah. I may have thought like that when I was in HS or college (I didn’t…at least not regarding money and cars), but eventually I grew up!

What I am looking for are characteristics such as; compassion, respect; kindness, intelligence; curiosity; sense of adventure; connection to spirit; etc. If I settle, I get, what, four out of the seven listed above?! Each one of these is an essential trait!! They are not something I consider optional like height, color and amount of income. (Although, there must be an income, because if I’m working, everybody’s working!!!!)

I’ve dated guys who stopped seeing me because they felt they couldn’t compete with me because I made more money than they made (this is what he told me years later). Now if a guy will end a relationship because of money, how in this world would a relationship survive if one (or both) of us settled!!! Let’s understand, money to most men means power and control in a relationship (or it used to). In their minds, if the woman makes more money, guess who has the power?

Settling is not an option! At least not for me! Yes I may be single my entire life, but I am good with being single. Single looks good on me. I prefer singlehood to sharing my life with someone I don’t love; someone I don’t have a mental, emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection with. It’s not that I can do badly by myself; more to the point, I can do fabulously by myself!!!

Some people have the notion that being at home on a Friday night is a condition to be avoided like the plague. Being at home with yourself on a Friday night is not the end of the world. And if I want to go out on a Friday night guess what??? I. Go. Out.

{insert gasp of disbelief here}

Singlehood is not a fate worse than death, much like couplehood is not the answer the meaning of life. Settling for someone I don't love completely and unreservedly....now that sounds like a fate worse than death.

Peace

Self Love 101

2009-05-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

Can you list seven things you like/love about yourself? Seven things, be they physical, psychological, or spiritual. Perhaps you like the color of your eyes or the shape of your lips. Maybe you are a good cook - or a decent cook - or maybe you volunteer your time for a cause close to your heart. Perhaps you love working on cars or you like sewing. What you like/love about yourself could be that you offer babysitting services (free) to family and friends to help the parent(s) out. Maybe you care for your parents. Maybe you dance well, exercise regularly or you are well-read. It could be you are going back to school to get you BA or Master's. Any characteristics, attributes, values, activities, principles; whatever; will suffice.

Are you able to list seven? Can you list more than seven? Do some deep thinking and see what you come up with. Meditate, cogitate, ruminate....and post something in Comments. Once you complete your list, notice what made the list. Don't judge the list please! This is not a competition. The list is neither definitive or exhaustive. The list can change at any time, you are in control of the list.

Was the task easy? Did you think of your seven quickly? Or, did coming up with seven things you like about yourself take longer? Do you have seven items on your list? This exercise is about what you like/love about yourself. Don't let other people's opinions overrule what you think about you!!! This list is for you, by you, and about....you guessed it....you.

What's on my list?

Seven Things I Like/Love About Me (not in order of importance)........
1 Sense of humor
2 Love of reading
3 Commitment to family/friends
4 Open to new ideas
5 Gratitude
6 Healthy/fit body
7 Positive outlook

That's my list....at this moment anyway. Now it's your turn. Consider what your list contains and let her rip!!!

Peace & Blessings

'Are You 'The One' You Have Been Looking For?

2009-05-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

Shortly after publishing my previous post, it occurred to me it was useless to search for 'The One' if you had yet to learn to love yourself first. IMO it is hard (if not impossible) to love someone else if you do not love yourself. Especially in the romantic sense of loving someone.

If you do not love, value, honor and respect yourself, how can you love, value, honor, respect another human being? If you have not put these beliefs into practice for yourself, how can you put them into practice with someone else? If charity begins at home, then love begins with love of 'Self'. I do not mean an ego-driven, selfish, arrogant, possessive love. I mean loving yourself completely, unreservedly, openly! Pimples, wrinkles, gray (graying) hair and all! I mean loving yourself simply because you Are. Because you are alive. Because you are breathing. Because you know from your soul you are enough just as you are. Because, because, because, because, Bee-caaauuse!!!!

Do you love yourself? Do you like hanging out with yourself on a Friday and/or Saturday night? Do you live your life in the now? Have you been on that cruise you've been dreaming of...even if you aren't in some way coupled? Have you bought a house yet? What are you waiting for? And more importantly, WHY are you waiting?

What is the road map to loving yourself? Are you the love of your life? Are you 'The One' you have been waiting for?

I Can See the Light....but Where's the Tunnel?

2009-05-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

WooHoo!! First post!!!

I have been reading posts by bw empowerment bloggers about improving self and creating the relationships women desire and deserve. If you are a regular reader of such blogs then you will recognize some of the initials (bw = black women). If not, I'll try to remember to define each as I go or you can visit the first wave empowerment bloggers {deep bow} to see for yourself. If you don't want to read yet another blog espousing views about expanding the horizons and options of bw in life, the universe and everything else....well, don't say I didn't tell ya....

Everybody (or almost everybody) wants a relationship...right? Isn't everyone looking for The One? Doesn't everyone value a stable, committed, reciprocal, loving relationship? I am being only slightly facetious when I ask the question.

When we say we are looking for our soul mate/The One/love-of-my-life; what does that mean? If we agree a stable, committed, reciprocal loving relationship is the goal, what/where is the road map? Can we at least get some general directions? Since we cannot google-earth 'Me' as the starting address and 'The One' as the ending address, I appeal to you, dear reader, to propose ideas for a road map. I am not interested in a map to 'casual sex', 'friends-with-benefits', 'wifey' or any other pseudo-commitment. I mean a long term, stable, committed, reciprocal, loving relationship most often defined by marriage (views on that in another post).

If the 'light' in my title equals a long term, stable, committed, reciprocal, loving relationship, then the 'tunnel' equals the road map/general directions. Remember, if you do not agree that a long term, stable, committed, reciprocal, loving relationship is the goal, then submitting a post is a pointless exercise. Please wait for the post about marriage. Give this some serious thought.

What works in the search for a long term, stable, committed, reciprocal, loving relationship ?

Peace