Wednesday, April 20, 2011

iRant: All the Single Ladies

Is anyone else tired of looking for a relationship or is it just me?

I am weary of being told I'm doing something wrong if I'm not married by now despite all the advice and Internet, speed dating, online matchmaking options. Single black women are told to lose weight (were I to lose 10 pounds I'd look like a crackhead); change our attitude (I have a happy, friendly disposition most of the time); and to grow up and stop being so superficial (as in: stop looking for Adonis with a huge bank account and a PhD (wait…who's been reading my perfect husband list :-D )!!!

Granted, some of us need to hear these admonishments because some of us are tragically superficial when it comes to the opposite sex. On the same hand; black women also get slammed for not having standards (ex-cons, criminals, the permanently unemployed, players, baby daddies, pimps, and various other losers).

What is a single woman to do after she has retrained her brain to screen out low/no value guys (regardless of race), whittled her figure down to a single digit dress size, is childfree, travelled the Internet dating route and yet is still single? No she's not looking for guys in the club or the strip bar; yes, she has changed her social circle (hanging out with married women may not prove helpful), has expanded her mind, has changed her wardrobe (do not fear color!) but, she remains persistently single.

According to some of the blogs she has done something wrong. Perhaps she needs to move to another state where inter-racial dating is more commonplace. Perhaps she needs to get out there more (wherever out there is). Perhaps she needs a better plan of action or she needs to be more realistic about what type of man she can reasonably attract with her looks, age, weight issues.

I've seen a lot of people online professing to be dating coaches, who will guarantee success...after you pay them a couple hundred dollars. I've already given eharmony and match as much money as I'm going to at this point and I'm not about to give some person I've never met more of my hard-earned money. Bloggers and online dating business people suggest single people consider the money paid for their ‘service’ as an investment in future happiness? Future happiness? Whatever! What about present happiness? How about being happy right now! How about purchasing a small house on/near the beach in Costa Rica! Now there’s a better investment to my mind.

This is my independence day. I am done with the husband hunt. If you want to think of me as a failure, that's your prerogative. If you envision me as a lonely bitter woman who will die alone and become food for cats (actually read this on an BW-IR marriage blog recently) again your prerogative, though what distinguishes you from the damaged men who cheerfully predict a similar fate for women who refuse to lower/remove their standards and 'help a brother out' is not clear.

Making this declaration feels good! It feels like the resistance I have been experiencing is gone. It feels like a weight has been lifted. I am free to wholeheartedly pursue other goals I've set for myself such as creating an intentional community of friends and researching retirement communities which provide safety, intellectual stimulation, physical fitness, and opportunities to socialize with a diverse group of people. It means I am deliberate about my present and my future. It means I will not allow the fact I am not married to stop my progress, nor will I allow myself to be relegated to a lesser status by married women.

Empowerment blogs must also include women who are single by choice; single through no fault of their own; and single despite their best efforts. I don’t think perpetuating the class system of womanhood where married women are on top and single women are at the bottom is healthy or emancipating. If you are married, congratulations! Be aware, the thinly veiled contempt/disdain leaking through some blog posts and comments in regard to your fellow women who are single is not attractive, helpful, or empowering.

There is more to being a woman than marital status. Yes, I've wanted to be married; no, I am not currently married. No, I am not wasting anymore time wailing and gnashing my teeth either. I have a fabulous life! I am fortunate! I am living my life as a whole human being, a first class person not second class or third class. Feel sorry for me if you want. Feel superior to me if you need to, but personally, I don't care. I’m busy living my life.



GoldenAh said...

I am going to write about this, because there is a vibe of "get a man, or you're nothing" and that's why I don't read some blogs. It's annoying after a while.

I know what I like. If I find him, fine. If not, I'm not gonna be desperate and chase the guy anywhere. Sometimes things don't work out.


Southland Diva said...

Hello G!

Yeah, I've had to dial back how much I read some BWE blogs. As you say, I get the feeling from these blogs if you don't have a man or not directing the majority of your time, energy and focus to getting some dude, then you are a loser and will die alone and bitter.

I believe a woman can have an abundant life even if she is not married. So the constant drumbeat of get a man, get a man, get a man feels disempowering.

Thanks for stopping by!!!