Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Why I Choose Not To Settle

In perusing the blogosphere I have encountered (more than once) the notion than besides being angry, materialistic, overweight, emasculating and loud; black women are also too picky. Way too picky for their own good (i.e. biological clock). I have even read a few comments where the guys were a bit too gleeful at the thought of these way-too-picky women ending up at home on a Friday night, or having to hang out with her likewise too picky girlfriends because they wouldn’t give a brother a chance.

I once responded to a blog in reference to adopting a child while not being in a relationship. The blogger felt men where becoming an optional part of a family rather than a necessity. My comment regarded finding yourself beyond your biological ability to have children because the right relationship had not materialized. The blogger’s response to my comment was instead of holding out for whatever I was looking for, maybe I should settle.

I don’t know how that would work. What, I run across a guy who maybe is 60% consistent with what I am looking for and I just forget about the other 40%? I mean I am not talking anything as superficial as: he must be 6 feet 2 inches tall; have a ripped body; be drop dead handsome; drive an expensive car; make mid-six figures; blah, blah, blah. I may have thought like that when I was in HS or college (I didn’t…at least not regarding money and cars), but eventually I grew up!

What I am looking for are characteristics such as; compassion, respect; kindness, intelligence; curiosity; sense of adventure; connection to spirit; etc. If I settle, I get, what, four out of the seven listed above?! Each one of these is an essential trait!! They are not something I consider optional like height, color and amount of income. (Although, there must be an income, because if I’m working, everybody’s working!!!!)

I’ve dated guys who stopped seeing me because they felt they couldn’t compete with me because I made more money than they made (this is what he told me years later). Now if a guy will end a relationship because of money, how in this world would a relationship survive if one (or both) of us settled!!! Let’s understand, money to most men means power and control in a relationship (or it used to). In their minds, if the woman makes more money, guess who has the power?

Settling is not an option! At least not for me! Yes I may be single my entire life, but I am good with being single. Single looks good on me. I prefer singlehood to sharing my life with someone I don’t love; someone I don’t have a mental, emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection with. It’s not that I can do badly by myself; more to the point, I can do fabulously by myself!!!

Some people have the notion that being at home on a Friday night is a condition to be avoided like the plague. Being at home with yourself on a Friday night is not the end of the world. And if I want to go out on a Friday night guess what??? I. Go. Out.

{insert gasp of disbelief here}

Singlehood is not a fate worse than death, much like couplehood is not the answer the meaning of life. Settling for someone I don't love completely and that sounds like a fate worse than death.


1 comment:

CW said...


...And continue NOT SETTLING for mediocrity or the flim-flam ...Black women are often on this strange merry-go-round:

1. Accept him for who he is (ex-con, underemployed, no ambitions, etc)

2. Raise your standards (But don't expand your horizons to do so...Keep fishing out of the same polluted pond)

3. She got what she deserve by accepting ABC

4. You're single because of XYZ

5. Rinse Repeat

We all need to play by a different set of rules!