Monday, June 29, 2009

The 'Root' of the Matter...

The recent articles posted at ‘The Root’ regarding how women should 1) not pass by guys who lack swagger/bank/degrees i.e. President Obama; and 2) not hold black men to the standard of President Obama are confounding to say the least. Many of the comments on the blog are downright depressing.

One blogger wrote how black women over forty should acknowledge the fact the men in their thirties want women in their twenties and men in their forties want women in their thirties. Oh, and to paraphrase the same guy, how men want women who are beautiful, have long hair and look a little exotic……. *blink*


Women who have long hair and look a little exotic ……..just what is he trying to say??!!

Coded much? And not too subtly at that!

This guy chastises women for being to superficial and picky, and then demonstrates; by way of giving advice to women; just how abysmally superficial he is!!!! He also tells women they just have to accept the fact that men like beautiful women.

Beauty is so subjective! I know people point to the usual suspects when it comes to beautiful black women; Halle, Beyonce, etc. But these women are not the length, width and breadth of beautiful black women continuum!

What does a woman do if she doesn’t meet the commercial beauty standard?

Most of the women I know desire a man who is……there. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually present. A man who wants to be in a committed relationship. A man who works. Sorry guys, there is no getting around this one. Most women want a guy who works (though there are some women who don’t mind working outside the home as long as the husband/life partner (for those who don’t want to do the wedding-thing) takes care of the home (childrearing, cooking, cleaning, etc.)). A man who does not sleep around with random women or her friends and family members. For a lot of women fidelity is hella sexy.

Does it go without saying thugs and thug-lites need not apply? Swagger is not appealing to mature women. Confidence yes. Swagger no.

Confidence = being comfortable in your skin; liking who you are as a person; respecting me (others) as a human being; compassion/kindness; ability to demonstrate love through actions/attitudes; being honest; being faithful.

Swagger = exaggerated masculinity; appropriating criminal/convict mentality; being hard, unloving, unkind; reducing women to body parts; being loud and foul-mouthed; disrespecting women, children, elders; being promiscuous/unsafe sex; having a number of children OOW.

Women have to have to have confidence in themselves too. This is not a one way street. I do not advocate men bringing maturity and confidence and decency to the table when the woman has none of these characteristics. This is another part of the problem.

Guys, how about altering your mate selection practices? Instead of always selecting the 'exotically' (I dislike this word) beautiful woman with long hair who may be completely self-absorbed, immature, with an unexamined interior life; how about something new? How about not passing up on women with brown-to-dark skin, non-euro features, and short or natural hair?

There are a lot of brown-skinned, athletic, educated, well-employed, sci-fi loving, jazz (or opera) attending, vegetarian/vegan, nerd-girl types out there. Some of them are over forty too.

Stop blaming and start looking. Stop keeping it real and start actually being real.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Who's to Blame?

It’s not his fault, it’s just his preference:

He prefers a slender body type.

He wants a woman who knows how to be a woman.

He prefers to be in charge in the relationship.

He prefers a woman who doesn’t criticize him.

He prefers a woman who is a ‘10’.

He prefers a woman who cooks his meals.

He likes it when a woman treats a man like a man.

He likes a woman who is always supportive of him.

He likes a woman who is not materialistic.

He wants a woman to accept him just the way he is.

From what I’ve read recently these are just some of the preferences of black men have with regard to relationships.

Which gives me pause, because…..if black women are constantly being told to “stop being so picky” or “put away your list of demands” and “you should just settle if you want a relationship”; then why aren’t men being told the same thing?

Is it just me, or isn’t the above mentioned list……well…..a list??

If black women have to give up some percentage of their list to have a relationship, then shouldn’t black men give up an equal percentage?

Well, some men will say, black women have superficial lists.


All black women.

In the U.S.


With the cloud of blame raining down the mountainside into the valley of black womenhood, black women may wonder what is the answer?

Buy more umbrellas? Build bigger boats?


My suggestion. Migrate to another valley.

If, in all your wonderfulness, a man fails to check off all (or even most) of the items on his list (superficial or otherwise)….then keep it moving!!!

Do not. I repeat. Do not stand out in the rain trying to convince, cajole or persuade this guy you are the one for him.

I read somewhere (I really need to stop reading this dude’s blog) that since men will give an attractive women a chance…at sex, she really needs to drop her standards otherwise she will miss out on some decent guys.

*eyes blinking in a bewildered fashion*

Let me get this straight. Women. Need to drop their standards. So that a dud will give her a chance. To have sex with him.

*a really long pause*

(And yes I know I typed ‘dud’, I figured it was a Freudian typo so I left it alone)

Not a chance at a committed relationship or marriage.

Not a chance at seriously seeing where a relationship might go.


You might have a chance at sex.

Is that all women should expect?


My main point: Flee quickly from any man who does not desire to be equally yoked; equally involved; work equally as hard; be as equally committed and be as equally faithful in his interactions with you.

R. E. S. P. E. C. T. rhymes with



Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Why I Choose Not To Settle

In perusing the blogosphere I have encountered (more than once) the notion than besides being angry, materialistic, overweight, emasculating and loud; black women are also too picky. Way too picky for their own good (i.e. biological clock). I have even read a few comments where the guys were a bit too gleeful at the thought of these way-too-picky women ending up at home on a Friday night, or having to hang out with her likewise too picky girlfriends because they wouldn’t give a brother a chance.

I once responded to a blog in reference to adopting a child while not being in a relationship. The blogger felt men where becoming an optional part of a family rather than a necessity. My comment regarded finding yourself beyond your biological ability to have children because the right relationship had not materialized. The blogger’s response to my comment was instead of holding out for whatever I was looking for, maybe I should settle.

I don’t know how that would work. What, I run across a guy who maybe is 60% consistent with what I am looking for and I just forget about the other 40%? I mean I am not talking anything as superficial as: he must be 6 feet 2 inches tall; have a ripped body; be drop dead handsome; drive an expensive car; make mid-six figures; blah, blah, blah. I may have thought like that when I was in HS or college (I didn’t…at least not regarding money and cars), but eventually I grew up!

What I am looking for are characteristics such as; compassion, respect; kindness, intelligence; curiosity; sense of adventure; connection to spirit; etc. If I settle, I get, what, four out of the seven listed above?! Each one of these is an essential trait!! They are not something I consider optional like height, color and amount of income. (Although, there must be an income, because if I’m working, everybody’s working!!!!)

I’ve dated guys who stopped seeing me because they felt they couldn’t compete with me because I made more money than they made (this is what he told me years later). Now if a guy will end a relationship because of money, how in this world would a relationship survive if one (or both) of us settled!!! Let’s understand, money to most men means power and control in a relationship (or it used to). In their minds, if the woman makes more money, guess who has the power?

Settling is not an option! At least not for me! Yes I may be single my entire life, but I am good with being single. Single looks good on me. I prefer singlehood to sharing my life with someone I don’t love; someone I don’t have a mental, emotional, spiritual, intellectual connection with. It’s not that I can do badly by myself; more to the point, I can do fabulously by myself!!!

Some people have the notion that being at home on a Friday night is a condition to be avoided like the plague. Being at home with yourself on a Friday night is not the end of the world. And if I want to go out on a Friday night guess what??? I. Go. Out.

{insert gasp of disbelief here}

Singlehood is not a fate worse than death, much like couplehood is not the answer the meaning of life. Settling for someone I don't love completely and that sounds like a fate worse than death.